A Dark Tale
by the-shiny-girl
Summary: Why exactly did Hermione Granger force Severus Snape into marriage?
1. Chapter 1

**A Dark Tale **

**~ Chapter 1 ~**

There are rumors. Evil rumors. People talk. Even about things they should not be talking about.

I can hear them as I pass them by. I hear them in the classroom. I hear them in the Great Hall.

_Sick._

_Marrying your Professor._

_No wonder she has such good grades._

I try to ignore them. What do they know anyway?

There is a good reason I married the second most hated man in the Wizarding World, _Severus Snape_. I did the right thing, even though he does not know it yet.

And that is why he hates me.

I have forced him into this. I insisted until he finally gave in. He is not the one to blame for all of this, yet people are still cruel to him. They talk behind his back. They accuse him of seducing a student, a girl half his age.

Even after the fall of Voldemort, even after the truth was revealed, people still have not forgiven him. Everyone knows whose side he was truly on, they know why he killed Dumbledore. But they still do not trust him.

_I_ do.

I cannot get the image of him on the floor in his own blood out of my head. The way he looked at me and Harry, the hopeless look in his eyes. He was dying. He was sure of that.

But then _I_ saved him.

Stopped the bleeding.

And he survived. He cheated death. He cheated destiny. He was supposed to die that day. He himself said that many times after that.

What did I expect from him? Gratitude?

I only got resentment.

Anger.

He was angry at me for saving him.

And my heart broke when I found out his whole story. Harry showed me the memories. The memories Snape gave up only because he was convinced he was going to die.

And now he has to live knowing that Harry knows about _everything,_ that_ I_ know about everything.

He did not want to be _the hero_. He did not want to live after the War ended.

But he lives. Because of me.

And he is married to me. _Also_ because of me.

God, he hates me so much.

If only he knew why I did what I did.

But he cannot know.

Not yet.

**xxxx**

I groan and lean against the wall, pulling my knees against my chest. Only a moment later, my stomach turns again and I make it to the toilet before vomiting violently.

I hate feeling like this.

My hand covers my mouth and I can only hope it's finally over. I close my eyes and wait in silence.

"What is the matter with you?" a cold voice cuts through me.

I look at him.

He is standing in the doorway, staring down at me, panic evident on his face.

"Nothing," I answer, "I'm just not feeling well."

He is silent and I know what he is thinking. I know what this situation looks like. He is even paler than usually and that is saying something.

Finally he gathers the courage to ask, "Are you...?" then he answers his own question, "You _cannot_ be."

"I'm not pregnant."

There is still fear on his face. Fear and disgust.

"Are you sure?" he asks.

"I am."

Finally he seems to relax slightly. After a moment he clears his throat, "Then what is the matter with you?"

"It has to be something I ate," I say, slowly pulling myself up from the floor.

He is simply staring at me.

"Don't you have classes to teach?" I ask.

"I do."

Silence.

After a long moment he simply turns and leaves. I can hear the doors slam shut and I know I am alone.

We live together in his quartersat Hogwarts.

He teaches every day and I am finishing my seventh year.

Why do I even bother?

It is not like I am ever going to have a job.

**xxxx**

After the War there had been great loses on both sides. And to ensure the survival of the Wizarding World the Minister came up with a plan. A Marriage Law.

A stupid idea.

An excuse to terrorize people.

Any witch or wizard of age had to marry.

Anyone who opposed it and refused to marry was expelled from the Wizarding World. Their magic was stripped from their bodies.

I could not allow myself to end like that.

I had a mission. I still do.

And that is why I did not marry Ron or some other _boy_.

Only Professor McGonagall knows the truth and I wish for it to remain like that.

There is a very interesting sentence in the long Marriage Law letter we all received.

_After a death of a spouse the remaining one is not required to re-marry._

That sentence made me seek out Severus Snape as my husband.

We have been married for two months.

Two months of ignoring.

Of fights.

Of humilliating moments.

Of cruel words.

And even though he hates me now, he will be grateful to me at the end.

**A/N: Hi! I know the Marriage Law has been done many times by now, but I think I can make it different. Even though I should be finishing my other fic, this story would just not leave me alone. It won't be a long fic, but it will be angsty and dark. Tell me what you think. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**A Dark Tale **

**~ chapter 2 ~**

There is a dead silence in the room.

I glance up at him across the table, noticing he is concentrating hard on the food on his plate, completely ignoring my presence.

We sometimes eat together in his..._our_ living quarters. Sometimes we eat in the Great Hall. I don't know which is worse.

Being ignored by my 'husband' and trying to eat in an awkward silence or being surrounded by students who are staring at me and whispering nasty things about me. About _us_.

I play with the food on my plate, taking small bites. I can't let him notice I'm not eating. That would raise suspicions and it's the last thing I need at the moment.

But on the other hand, I do not think he would notice if I grew another head. It is like I am not even in the same room as he is.

I clear my throat and force myself to speak, "Sir...about this paper you assigned - "

"You know we cannot talk about school work, Miss Granger. It would be unprofessional."

"I just want to know if - "

"No," comes his cold reply.

I bite my tongue in frustration. Why can't he just be honest and admit he does not want to talk to me_ in general_? It does not have anything to do with _being unprofessional._

"Given the situation, you should not even be in my class," he continues and I look up at him.

Our eyes meet for a second and then he looks away, tensing up.

I lick my lips hesitantly, a big question on my mind. Should I ask?

As if he reads my mind, he shakes his head, "No. Not tonight."

"It's been six days already."

"No need to state the obvious. I am aware of the date, thank you very much."

"So...tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow it is."

Stupid.

As if we are disscussing a business meeting, not something as intimate as -

"I am going to retire to my bedroom," he suddenly stands up.

I nod, "Alright. See you tomorrow."

He does not even wait for me to finish my sentence as he disappears from the room.

**xxx**

We have separate bedrooms. And that's something I'm actually thankful for. I need my space, my _privacy_.

Especially now.

We only spend one night per week together. And that's because we are forced to.

The law.

Sleeping with my teacher.

Disgusting.

At first it was horrible, but now I've...gotten used to it. It's still awkward, but I try to be mature about it.

It usually takes a few minutes and then he practically throws me out of his bedroom, almost slamming the doors in my face.

I guess it's hard for him too.

**xxx**

_He glares at me._

_There's no reaction on his face._

_Nothing._

_Perhaps he did not hear me._

_I repeat the sentence, "I think we should marry, Sir."_

_Again, nothing._

_My courage is slowly disappearing and I start to think this is all a mistake._

_And then he opens his mouth, but a few long moments pass before words make it's way out._

_"Granger," he whispers then raises his hand, pointing it towards the door, "Out."_

_"What? But - „_

_"Out," he repeats, calmly._

_"Aren't you going to...think about it? Let me explain?"_

_"I will not repeat myself again, Miss Granger."_

_"I've given this a lot of thought! It wouldn't really be a marriage, but a...deal of some sort. We could - "_

_He suddenly approaches me, grabbing my arm and dragging me to the door. Before I can say anything he pushes me outside and slams the doors._

**xxx**

I yawn, heading towards the kitchen. Getting up early in the morning is becoming really difficult. I'm tired all the time, no matter how much sleep I get.

This day is going to be really stressful. I have classes until evening. I remember times when I was excited to learn new things, but now I'm...numb. I know I am never going to get to use the knowledge in real life, so why bother with learning?

I pour myself a glass of orange juice and then I hear him.

Turning around, I almost bump into him, but he quickly moves away from me. He's dressed in his usual black robes. That is all he ever wears. I've never seen him in anything other than that.

And I'm just standing there in my pyjama pants and a T-shirt, feeling a bit awkward.

We are not comfortable around each other as a wife and a husband should be.

It's understandable.

Our marriage is fake.

"When do your classes start?" he asks.

"In an hour."

"You better hurry. You do not want to be late."

I don't like it when he acts as my father. That makes the whole marriage thing even more disgusting and awkward and _wrong_.

"Should I call the House elf? Do you wish to eat - ?" he stops mid sentence.

I tense up.

What is wrong?

His eyes narrow and he moves closer to me, looking at my face.

"Where did you get that bruise?" he asks, finally meeting my eyes.

"W-What bruise?" I back away from him, trying to hide my face under my hair.

"The one under your eye."

_Crap_.

I forgot to check myself in the mirror.

I do it every morning, hiding bruises and pinpoint spots of blood under the skin with a simple spell.

"I-I don't remember," I quickly answer.

I'm angry at him for catching me off guard.

"How can you not remember?" he insists.

"I just don't!" I snap at him, "Enough with the questions. You are not my father. You don't care about me so stop pretending."

His jaw tightens and he nods, his eyes cold.

"You are right, Miss Granger. I do not care."

He turns and leaves. He always reacts like that. He rarely argues, because he simply leaves.

I'm not sorry for snapping at him.

He can't find out about my condition. I couldn't stand it. It's easier when people hate you than when they pity you.

I don't need his pity. I don't _want _his pity.

I just want to do something for him. Something good. Something in return for all those years he spent in danger trying to keep us safe.

And if that means he hates me, that's fine with me.

**A/N: I'm so glad you like my new story! A BIG thank-you to all of you! The chapters are going to get longer as we get into the story. :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A Dark Tale **

**~ chapter 3 ~**

I sigh, running a hand through my hair and trying to think of an answer. Professor McGonagall is staring at me and soon she realizes what my silence means.

"He has not changed his behaviour towards you?" she asks.

I shake my head.

She lets out an angry groan, "I will talk to him. He has no right to treat you like this, Miss Granger."

"No!" my eyes widen in panic, "You can't. It's...alright. He does not like me. He's angry and that is understandable."

"But if he knew about your...well...your condition, he would - "

"It's not worth it. If he's nice to me only because I'm...dying, I'd feel pathetic. I don't want that."

McGonagall looks at me with pity in her eyes.

That's _exactly_ the look I do not want to see in anybody else's eyes.

I clear my throat and continue, "We forced him into this. He does not know why and that's for the best."

"Forgive me, but I still do not understand why you chose him."

Tensing up, I look down at my hands, "There was no one else."

"What about Mr. Weasley?"

"Ronald is..." I pause, "He would be too hurt by my...when I...when..."

I'm so pathetic. I can't even say it.

Finally I gather my courage, "He'd be too hurt by my death if we were married. I needed someone who would remain...unaffected."

"Severus can be a bastard sometimes, but he is not entirely without feelings, Miss Granger."

"He's not..." I blush, "He's not _in love with me_. It'll be easier. I want Ronald to move on with his life. I don't want him to get too attached to me. It's good he hasn't returned to finish his seventh year."

McGonagall takes a deep breath before asking slowly, "Has he finally accepted your marriage?"

I force a slight smile, "No. I haven't heard from him in two months, but Harry told me he's still angry."

Silence.

"This is too much for you, my child."

Again, I force a smile, "I'm fine."

I'm sick of using that sentence.

**xxx**

It's always awkward when I have Potions. Students are sending me evil glares. probably thinking I get special treatment and better grades because I'm married to the Professor.

I keep my head down and try to concentrate on the potion I'm making.

"Hermione," Harry whispers next to me, "I've done everything correct, but my potion is turning green."

I move closer to him, "Have you added- "

"Granger, don't you dare help him," a student whispers from behind us, "Let the Boy-Who-Saved-Us-All make his own potion for a change."

"Shut it," Harry whispers back.

Even after the War there is still house rivalry. Especially between Slytherins and Gryfindors.

"What is it, Potter? Incapable for brewing such a simple potion?"

I roll my eyes and return to my own potion as the two of them continue to fight. I don't have time for such childish games.

I _really_ don't.

Then I hear the words that send a chill up my spine.

"...always asking that mudblood whore for help..."

I'll ignore it. I always ignore it.

I've been called many things in my life. _Whore_ is just another one. What did I expect would happen after I married my teacher?

"Mr. Larson," Snape suddenly speaks, "Would you like to share that with the rest of the class?"

Silence.

"N-No, Sir," the boy answers.

"A wise choice," Snape replies, "I will see you in detention. Seven o' clock."

What just happened? Did Snape actually come to my defence?

Then he turns his attention towards Harry, "Mr. Potter, if you wish to finish this year, you will brew potions on your own. Without help. Am I understood?"

Harry quickly nods, "Yes, Sir."

Silence follows.

I take a deep breath and then realize that was a bad decision. There are so many disgusting smells in the classroom, it's making me sick.

"This class is really difficult," Harry whispers, "I don't know why Snape has to teach Potions. I thought he wanted the DADA position."

I shake my head, "I thought so too."

"Well?" he insists, "Do you know why he - "

"_I don't know,_ Harry. McGonagall is the Headmistress, you can ask her," the moment words leave my mouth I regret them.

I am constantly snapping at people and I can't help it. Little things annoy me.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

Harry nods, "It's...alright. I shouldn't have expected you to know everything just because you are...married to him. I need to take this class seriously if I want to be an Auror..."

Harry continues talking, but I can't concentrate on his words. He is going to finish school, become an Auror. He is going to get old.

And what about me?

I only have a couple of months left.

My throat closes at the thought of that.

And then a wave of sickness hits me again. My hand goes to cover my mouth and I close my eyes for a second, trying to pull myself together.

"'Mione, are you alright?"

I nod, not able to speak.

Why does this have to happen to me?

I can't get sick in front of everyone. They'll think I'm pregnant and somehow that's even worse than them finding out I'm dying.

"Hermione?" Harry asks again.

I look at him before making my way to Snape's desk. I know everyone's looking at me, I can feel it.

Snape is grading some papers, but when he notices me he looks up, his expression confused.

"Sir, can I be excused?" I ask quietly.

"Why exactly, Miss Granger?"

"I'm...not feeling well."

He raises an eyebrow, "What do you mean?"

"I-I...I'll go see Madam Pomfrey."

"Why exactly?" he repeats the question.

Does he have to do this?

I know everyone is now listening to our conversation. There's never been such a dead silence before.

"Well, Granger? Either you reveal the reason for your wanting to leave the classroom or you return to your seat."

Sometimes I really hate him.

I am going to vomit all over his desk. Would that be a good enough reason for him?

He raises both his eyebrows and stares at me.

I can't deal with him right now.

I simply turn around and make my way to my seat. Everyone relaxes and Snape continues grading his papers.

But then I gather my things and casually walk to the doors, leaving the classroom.

**xxx**

I hover above the toilet, holding my hair back.

The stupid medicine is not helping at all.

After a few minutes I stand up, looking at my reflection in the mirror.

I don't look that different.

I'm still me. Right?

**xxx**

It's dinner time.

And he's not here. I can imagine he's still angry with me for what happened in class today. But it was all his fault. He would have allowed any other student to leave. He just refused because it was me and he feels he has to be extra strict with me. It does not help anyway. Other students still do not like me and think horrible things about me.

On the other hand, it's good he's not here. That way I don't have to force myself to eat when even the sight of food makes me sick.

**xxx**

Where is he?

It's almost ten o'clock and we still have to do the deed.

I walk out of my room, yawning while making my way to his bedroom.

He's not here.

That's the first thing I notice as I enter, turning the lights on.

Sighing, I sit on his bed and wait.

He knows it has to be done.

He'll be here soon.

**xxx**

"Granger."

My eyes snap open at the cold voice.

Where am I?

I look around, realizing this isn't my room. Then I remember.

How could I have fallen asleep in his room?

I stand up, clearing my throat awkwardly, "I've been waiting for you."

"That much is obvious."

"Where have you been? What's the time?"

"We still have an hour," he replies and looks at the bed behind me.

I nod, sitting back on it.

I'm always nervous.

"You embarrassed me today in class," he speaks.

I knew he was not going to let that slide.

"I was sick and you wouldn't let me leave."

"You disrespected me in front of the students."

"I didn't want to," I look up at him, "You forced me."

"Yes, I can imagine you know a lot about forcing someone into something they do not wish to do," he says cruelly.

I bite hard on my lip, just wanting to be done with it so I can return to my room.

I lay back as he turns the lights off. As the darkness fills the room I quickly remove my pyjama pants and my underwear.

It's always the same.

So clinical. And cold.

I know he used to take a potion before we began. I don't know if he still takes it.

I tense up as I hear him approaching. He pushes my legs apart, a bit rougher than usually. He's still angry and it shows.

He's still dressed, I can feel it.

_No need to remove more clothes than absolutely necessary._ That's what he said the first night.

As the seconds pass by I try to relax and think about other things, but it's impossible.

And then I feel him make his move.

It's always uncomfortable, but this time it's almost painful.

Biting hard on my lip, I ignore the tears that are forming in my eyes.

No noise comes from him as he moves on top of me, careful not to touch me more than necessary.

A small cry escapes me and he stops for a moment before continuing, faster than before. He wants to finish it as quickly as possible.

After a few minutes he finally sucks his breath in and freezes, shaking a bit.

And I just lay there, waiting for him to move away.

He does and I quickly pull my pants back on.

This is it.

It's always the same.

He turns the lights on and I look at him. He's a bit breathless, but other than that there is no other evidence that he...that we...

"The potion," he says, pointing at his nightstand.

Right. The potion that prevents pregnancy. Such actions are illegal and the Ministry punishes those who use contraceptives. But according to Snape they will not be able to detect this potion. Perhaps he himself brew it? I don't know, I never asked.

I grab the potion and stand up, quickly leaving his room before he has a chance to throw me out.

**xxx**

_"This is ridiculous," he points out._

_"Well, this was the only way I could get you to listen to me," I explain._

_"Minerva locking me in an office with you, ordering me to talk to you. Do you not think that is a bit extreme? What is the reason behind it?"_

_I take a deep breath, "You know."_

_He rolls his eyes, "Granger, if this is about that crazy idea of yours - "_

_"It's not that crazy, Sir. We are both expected to marry someone and...we could help each other."_

_"How could marrying a student help me? I am not interested in damaging my reputation even more."_

_I open my mouth to speak, but it takes a few long moments before words actually come out, "Well...it wouldn't be a real marriage. You could still do the things you want to and so would I."_

_"A marriage of convenience."_

_"Exactly."_

_He sends me an evil smirk, "Have you read through the law, Miss Granger?"_

_"Of course I have."_

_"Are you familiar with that part about producing a child within two years and other marital obligations?"_

_I blush a bit, "That's...unfortunate, but think about other things. We could still live our own life, exactly as we do now."_

_"Why are you doing this, Granger? Why me?"_

_Because I feel guilty for not trusting you. Because I feel horrible knowing what you had to go through and still everyone hates you. Because you deserve some peace in your life and that is exactly what you are going to get once I'm gone._

_I remain silent._

_He raises an eyebrow, "You have never had a crush on me. I would have noticed it. Why me? Why not that Weasley boy?"_

_"We're not...together in that way."_

_He simply shakes his head, "I do not care. This conversation is over."_

_With a flick of his wand the doors fly open and he leaves._

_He could open the doors? Then why did he stay for as long as he did and listen to me?_

_When I decided to be noble and help him I never thought that could be so much trouble. I might die before I convince him to marry me._

**A/N: Appreciate any feedback. :) It feeds my muse. ;) Thank you for reading. **


	4. Chapter 4

**~ chapter 4 ~**

He always does that. He avoids me for the whole day after we do our duty as husband and wife. And a part of me is thankful for that. I am not as comfortable with it as I try to appear. Being intimate with _him_ of all people, it's...revolting. Disgusting. It _should_ be. Other people think it's sick.

I shared their opinion at the beginning, but now not as much. It's just another sacrifice and it's...bearable. We complete the task and then we pretend nothing happened. It's easier that way.

I sit alone at the table, enjoying the silence and peace.

My eyes search through the Daily Prophet, anxiously trying to find any new information about the Marriage Law. But there's none. People are still furious about it, but there are no major changes on the horizon. It does not matter anyway. Not to me.

If I think about it, I would be destroyed if the Law was banned before I die. That would mean everything was pointless, every sacrifice, every humiliation, the evil glares and rumors. I can't even imagine how horrible I would feel.

ooo

"Not now, we still have a few months," Harry shakes his head, "I mean, I _love_ Ginny, but we are not so excited about the idea of marriage. We're too young for that."

I nod, "I understand, but you have no choice. None of us do."

"I can't believe it. This is all Voldemort's fault. Even after his death he's still messing up our lives," anger shows through his words.

I start walking faster, not wanting to be late for our next lesson, "Harry, you are lucky. You have a person you want to spend your life with. Imagine having to marry someone just because the law says so."

"Like you have?"

I tense up and stop walking.

"I'm sorry, I know you don't want to talk - " Harry starts.

"That's right. I _don't_ want to talk about that."

He opens his mouth to reply, but finally he simply nods and smiles in understanding. I force a smile as well and we continue walking.

ooo

My stomach hurts. It's swollen or something.

I groan and quickly change into my pyjamas, wanting to go to bed early this evening. Just as I approach my bed I hear something.

Knocking.

It can't be.

Who would knock - ?

Again, I hear it. Louder this time.

Is it Snape?

It has to be him.

I quickly walk to the doors, grabbing the handle and opening them.

It really is him.

We stand like that for a couple of long moments. I wait for him to speak, to explain what is he doing here, but he's not saying anything. He is only staring at me.

And then I start to panic. Is there something on my face again? A bruise?

"May I come in?" he finally speaks, his voice low.

"Um, sure," I take a step back and he walks in.

Something is wrong. He's never visited me in my room before. I quickly turn to look at him, noticing his eyes examining my room. And he's not even trying to hide it. His look moves from my bed to my dressing table to my desk and finally he meets my eyes again.

"Is something wrong?" I ask.

He takes his time to answer and my panic only grows.

Finally he raises his eyebrows, "You tell me."

I cross my arms over my chest, "What do you mean?"

"I have just returned from Minerva's office."

I tense up again. Unable to find my voice I wait for him to continue.

"Do you know what I was doing there?" he asks.

I shake my head.

"You are not such a Know-It-All anymore, I see," he pauses for a second, "I was forced to sit and listen to her ranting and raving about me not treating you as I should."

Oh God. Has she told him anything?

"Apparently I am a horrible husband. An evil man. A bastard."

"I've never said that," I defend myself.

"I wonder where she got that idea from then?"

Looking away, I wait for him to speak again. I want to know how much he knows.

"And then I found out something very interesting," his voice is deep and almost playful, "Do you want to know what?"

I look at him, feeling my heart beating like crazy.

"My wife is a liar."

Oh God.

My throat closes up.

Somehow I still manage to force out, "What do you mean?"

He steps closer, "Your parents."

What?

"Why are your parents obliviated? Care to explain why you decided to wipe your parents' memory and make them forget you ever existed?"

A small sigh of relief escapes me. Is that all he knows?

He raises an eyebrow, "Well, Miss Granger?"

"I...that...that is none of your business."

That surprises him. I can see it.

Before he has a chance to reply, I continue, "You hate me. You don't want anything to do with me. Why should I explain myself to you?"

He is silent.

His dark eyes are glaring at me and it's hard to remain strong and decisive.

"You are hiding something from me," he whispers, "I am not an idiot, Miss Granger."

I walk past him, "I would really like to go to bed now."

"This marriage. Your parents. It is all connected," he continues, "And I will discover what that connection is. Believe me."

My back is turned to him and I can hear his footsteps as he walks out, closing the doors behind him.

With each day he is closer to the truth.

What am I going to do if he finds out?

I sit on the edge of my bed, holding my stomach.

It hurts.

Pills used to ease the pain, but not anymore.

I can't do anything anymore.

I'm sick and Muggle medication is not helping as it used to.

How ironic.

I'm married to the _Potions Master._

He could make something up for the pain. I'm sure he could. But I can't even ask.

I can't lean on anyone.

Not even my parents.

I remember how devastated they were when they found out I'm sick. I could not stand it. The pain in their eyes, it was worse than the news that I'm dying.

So I decided to help them. Make it batter.

Now they live their normal life, happy and without worries.

Without a sick daughter.

I think I've made a good decision.

ooo

_"I wish I had better news," the doctor takes a deep breath._

_My mother takes my hand in hers as we wait for him to continue._

_"What do you mean by that?" my father asks, leaning forward a bit._

_"The blood results - "_

_"What is wrong with me?" I cut him off, forcing a brave face._

_"You have a lot of abnormal white blood cells and it's starting to - "_

_I interrupt him again, "Leukemia?"_

_My mother gasps and starts shaking._

_The doctor slowly nods, "Acute leukemia..."_

_There are so many words after that._

_"...don't know what causes leukemia...some things are known to increase the risk of some kinds of leukemia...have you been exposed to large amounts of radiation...do you smoke...symptoms...fever...night sweats...infections..."_

_I feel as if I've left my body._

_I know where I am._

_In the doctor's office, holding my mum's hand, pretending to listen to the doctor, but I'm not really there._

_I can't feel._

_I can't believe what I'm hearing. I must be dreaming._

_"I want to make sure I did a good job explaining this to you," the doctor says and he gets my attention again._

_Slowly I nod, "I understand."_

_He continues, "The goal of treatment for leukemia is to destroy the leukemia cells and allow normal cells to form in your bone marrow...chemotherapy...radiation therapy..."_

_It does not feel real._

ooo

I work in silence, keeping my head down and hoping today's Potions lesson will pass without any conflict.

The students seem to be minding their own business.

Then a cold voice cuts through the silence, "Ah, Miss Granger," Snape sneers, "Detention tonight after dinner."

"W-What?" my eyes widen in surprise.

"You did not think I would let your outburst from two days ago pass by without a punishment?" he asks, raising an eyebrow.

I bite my tongue in anger, "No, Sir. I did not."

He nods and then walks over to a student, observing his potion.

I can feel others looking at me again.

He did not have to do this to me.

ooo

The evening comes faster than I imagined.

I walk into his classroom with my hands on my hips, "I'm here. What do you want me to do?"

He does not even look at me. He's sitting at his desk, going through some papers.

"Sir?" I raise my voice.

"Sit down for a moment."

No. I don't want to sit down.

"This is detention," I speak, "Where is my punishment?"

Finally he looks at me and he's a bit amused, I can see it in his eyes. He leans back, taking a deep breath, "Let me think."

Silence.

"Why?" I ask quietly.

"Speak up, Miss Granger."

"_Why_?" I repeat, "Can't you just...leave me alone? I don't bother you. Why do you have to make every day of my life miserable?"

His face darkens, "I make your life miserable?"

"Sir - "

"Well, I imagine you regret ever marrying me."

A small laugh escapes me, "So this is what it's about? You gave me detention because you wanted to interrogate me."

He stands up, his face cold, "No. I assigned you a detention because you disrespected me in class."

Alright. I can play his game, "Then tell me what I have to do. Clean something or - "

"What are you hiding?"

I shake my head, "I knew it! This is why you are torturing me! You think I'll spill my big secret to you if you're _mean_ to me and if you torture me just enough -"

He is calm, "I simply want to know the reason. I have a right to know why I was threatened to be fired if I do not marry you."

"I'm...doing you a favor. Let's just leave it - "

He approaches me, "A favor? Interrupting my peace, living in my quarters?"

"You are exaggerating."

"Shagging a student has never been a fantasy of mine," he replies coldly.

"Well, this is not my idea of fun either!" I snap, "You are not even trying to make this easy for me."

"Make _what_ easy for you?"

"Even with the contraceptive potion. Have you ever tasted it? If you're forcing me to drink it, you could've at least tried to make the taste bearable!"

His lips form a thin line, but he does not speak.

This is too much. I don't want to fight with him anymore.

"Why me?" he asks quietly, "I have been asking you this question for months."

When I don't answer, his lips form a smirk, "Perhaps I am doing you a favour. Perhaps no one wanted to marry you. You would be banned from this world and I was your only option."

"You know that is not true."

He grabs my arm, "Then what is?"

I yelp in pain and he releases me immediately.

He takes a step back, "I...I apologize."

Silence.

"Can I just go to my room?" I ask, "I'm tired. I'm really tired."

"Are you asking me as my student or as my wife?"

"Please."

He takes a deep breath. No words leave his mouth but I can see it in his eyes. He's allowing me to go. He's tired too, it's obvious.

I turn away and quietly leave the classroom.

Something has to change. I can't spend the rest of my life in such hate.

**A/N: Now you know what's wrong with Hermione. Soon Snape will know too. ;) Thanks for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

**~ chapter 5 ~**

Things have to change.

I've decided to talk to Snape and try to make things better. We can't keep arguing every day. I can't take it.

I just have to remember why I married him in the first place. I felt sorry for him, I was thankful for everything he did for the Order. And after learning about his sad life I felt like he should get something in return. So I decided to give him the gift of life. A quiet and peaceful life he deserves. That is exactly what he will get. After I'm gone, of course.

I just never imagined being married to him would be so difficult.

I never imagined _he_ would be so difficult.

ooo

It's a beautiful morning outside.

But I don't feel so good.

My stomach still hurts.

I lay in my bed, curled up and covered with blankets. It seems I won't be going to class today.

Hopefully McGonagall will think of something to explain my absence. I don't feel like seeing anyone. It's not like anyone would visit me anyway, they are all too uncomfortable being in Snape's quarters. Ginny is the only one who has come to visit me here since the wedding. Not even Harry has dared to come here.

Funny.

They are all so frightened of Snape.

I can't blame them.

ooo

There's a knock on the door.

No.

I can't see him now.

So I remain silent, hoping he would just go away. Nothing can be heard for a couple of seconds and I relax, but then I hear it again.

He is not going to go away.

"What is it?" I call out, forcing my voice to be strong.

Nothing.

What is he playing at?

Suddenly the doors open and he walks in confidently.

I pull myself up in a sitting position, "What are you doing?"

"I am checking up on my _wife_," he answers, walking over to me.

"I haven't given you permission to enter!"

He crosses his arms over his chest, "I was simply worried about my wife. Am I not allowed to do that?"

"You have no respect for my privacy," I accuse him.

"Why were you not in class today?" he asks, ignoring my earlier comment.

"I-I...none of your business."

"You see, Miss Granger, it is my business. You are my wife, after all."

"That's rich, _Professor_. You keep reminding me that I'm your wife, yet you call me_ Miss Granger_."

He tenses up.

"Just leave," I lay back, pulling the covers up to my neck.

"What is the matter with you?" he asks.

He seems worried. Am I imagining it?

"Am I not allowed to feel sick every now and then?"

He knows that I'm lying. Even I can sense the nervousness in my tone. He couldn't have missed it.

Slowly he speaks again, "Are you lying to me?"

Silence.

"Are you?" he asks again.

"Lying about what?"

His tone is lower now, "Have you been taking the contraceptive potion?"

I roll my eyes, "For God's sake, I'm not pregnant!"

His face hardens, "I would like to take a blood sample to make sure. The potions could have failed. And a child is the last thing we need right now."

Panic shoots through me, "No. No blood sample."

"And why not?"

"B-Because...I'm not pregnant. I know I'm not pregnant and there's no need for blood testing."

He looks at me suspiciously, "More secrets, Granger?"

"There are no secrets. I'm just feeling a bit...stressed lately and I haven't been eating well."

The dark look in his eyes tells me that he does not believe me.

"I would like to get some sleep now," I roll over and turn my back to him, hoping he would leave.

And he does.

ooo

It's finally Saturday.

And I'm feeling better so I've decided to make the best out of the day.

I walk into the kitchen, noticing Snape sitting at the table and reading the Daily Prophet.

"Morning," I mutter as I pour myself a glass of pumpkin juice.

He slowly lowers the paper and looks at me, "Are you going out?"

"Yes, Ginny and I are going to the Diagon Alley to do some shopping."

"Shopping?" he asks, "What do you need?"

"I don't need anything, it's just...for fun."

He looks at me strangely.

"It's what we, girls, do for fun," I try to explain.

"Going to Diagon Alley, into all that noise and forcing your way through crowded shops is your idea of fun?"

"Yes?" it comes out as a question.

He's staring at me as if I've grown another head.

"I have to go," I quickly drink my juice and then turn to leave.

"You know it is not safe," he suddenly speaks.

I turn to him.

He continues, "Not all Death Eaters have been caught. And I am sure many of them cannot wait to get their hands on any member of the Golden Trio."

"I'll be fine. No one would attack me in public," I reply, "Besides, I can handle myself."

He only raises an eyebrow, not saying anything.

"Alright," I nod, "I'll be back in a couple of hours."

Just as I am about to leave he speaks again, "Do you need...some Galleons?"

"No, I'm fine, I have money."

"Oh, forgive me," he replies, "I forgot you have parents. Tell me, did you take their money before or after you Obliviated them?"

I open my mouth to argue with him, but I somehow stop myself. It's not worth it. I'm in a good mood this morning and he is not going to change that.

Without words I leave the kitchen.

ooo

_"So..." I start, "We should probably begin."_

_He is standing in the corner of the room, his back turned to me._

_I look down at my wedding dress, remembering the ceremony. It was so pathetic. It lasted only a couple of minutes and then we both left. There were ten or fifteen guests. No one except McGonagall understood why we were marrying. The atmosphere was uncomfortable, dark._

_It felt like we were at a funeral._

_I sigh, running a hand through my hair._

_The first part is done._

_Now we only have to finish part two and we will be legally married._

_"I cannot do this," he whispers._

_"What?" I stand up from the bed, "You can't turn back now."_

_He faces me, "Are you mentally stable?"_

_I am a bit taken aback by that question, but I nod, "Yes, I am."_

_"Are you sure about that?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Are you perhaps in love with me? Is this the moment when you admit you've been in love with me for many years now?"_

_I blush a bit, "N-No."_

_"I thought so," he remarks then his face darkens, "Or perhaps you are not as innocent as everyone thinks you are."_

_"What are you saying?"_

_"Perhaps you have a dark side?" he moves closer to me, "Perhaps you enjoy pain and suffering and darkness and evil. Perhaps that is why you chose me. You know I can give all that to you."_

_He is scaring me now._

_"No, t-that's not true," I defend myself._

_"Was it sex? You did not have to force me into marriage to get me in bed with you. There are easier ways."_

_"Stop it!" I raise my voice, "Why are you acting like that?"_

_He steps closer to me and I can smell the Firewhiskey on him, "I am simply trying to figure you out, Miss Granger."_

_"You are wasting your time," I force out, "There is no secret. I have explained everything to you. We would both gain a lot from this marriage."_

_"Ah yes, freedom."_

_"Exactly. This marriage is fake and we can both live just as we've lived before. Only...together."_

_After a moment he nods, "You know what needs to be done next, right?"_

_"Y-Yes, I do," I look down at my hands._

_"Do not play shy now. This was all your idea," his voice is cruel._

_I nod, putting on a brave face. The sooner we do this, the better. I unzip my dress and then his voice stops me, "What are you doing?"_

_"Taking off my dress?"_

_"There is no need for that."_

_"There isn't?"_

_"No."_

_I nod, trying to understand what he is saying._

_"Just lay on the bed," he orders._

_He turns away again, "I am a married man," he whispers then lets out a laugh._

_I think he's a bit drunk._

_"I married a student," he laughs again._

_His behaviour is worrying me. I'm nervous and he's drunk. I don't think this is going to end well._

_He's still speaking to himself, murmuring words I cannot understand._

_I clear my throat, "I've never really done this before."_

_That gets his attention._

_He turns to look at me, "I beg your pardon?"_

_"I have never really done this before," I repeat, tensing up._

_Silence._

_He stares at me, no expression on his face._

_"I just...thought you should know," I say, sitting down on the bed._

_Why is he looking at me like that?_

_Just as I open my mouth to speak he suddenly turns away and walks into the bathroom, slamming the doors shut._

ooo

"Yes, I love Harry, but I'm not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with him," Ginny admits as we walk towards a new shop.

"Well, you don't have a lot of time to find another person," I reply.

"I know," she sighs, "And I'm not trying to find another person, it's just...the idea of marriage...it's frightening."

"It's not that horrible."

Ginny looks at me, "Are you serious?"

I nod.

"So you're saying being married to Snape is not horrible?"

"It's...bearable."

Ginny laughs, "Whatever that means, Hermione."

We walk into the store and I'm surprised by what's inside.

"Ginny, this is a lingerie shop."

She smiles, "Yes, it is."

"But I don't need anything from here."

"I do," she winks at me, "I'd like to surprise Harry."

I grimace, "Too much information."

Ginny laughs, "Perhaps you could surprise your beloved husband?"

"I don't think he'd like the surprise very much."

"Really? So the rumors are true then?"

I narrow my eyes, "What rumors?"

"That he's...you know...asexual?"

Is he? I don't know. Perhaps he is. He's never shown interest in it. Or it could just be that he does not like _me_.

"Well, is he?" Ginny insists.

"You're asking the wrong person."

"You're his _wife_."

I sigh, "Can we just not talk about Snape, please?"

Ginny nods in understanding, "Of course."

"Thank you."

"Hermione, I'm here if you want to talk, you know that, right?"

I look at my friend and suddenly I feel the need to tell her everything. To confess what's really on my mind, to explain why I married Snape, to tell her that I'm sick. It would feel good to lean on someone, to talk.

Talking about it helps. So I've heard.

But that would be ridiculous.

I can't tell her that I'm dying while we in the lingerie shop.

Suddenly a shop assistant approaches us, "Hello, can I help you?"

Ginny starts talking to her while I lose myself in my thoughts.

Why can't I trust anyone? I'm betraying my friends by hiding things from them. They'll hate me once they find out.

_Why_ can't I tell them?

And then I realize why.

It would make it too real.

Even _I_ haven't truly accepted it and by telling everyone I would have to...admit it to myself. And that's too much.

I would just like to ignore it for as long as I can.

Today I'm feeling good. I can pretend I'm a normal girl who has her whole life ahead of her.

ooo

I drop my shopping bag onto the floor and sit on the sofa, letting out a deep breath.

It's almost night outside.

Ginny really does not know when it's time to go home.

It's silent.

I look around, noticing everything is exactly as it was when I left.

Slowly I stand up and walk to Snape's bedroom, knocking on the door softly.

No answer.

I knock again.

Nothing.

I open the doors and take a peek inside.

He's not there.

Walking back into the living room I can't help but wonder where he is.

ooo

It's past midnight and he still hasn't come home.

I'm starting to get worried.

There are still Death Eaters on the run, just like he said.

What if - ?

Suddenly I hear a noise.

Then steps.

Not even a second later he appears, walking into the living room. He freezes when he sees me, but he quickly recovers.

"Why are you not asleep?" he asks.

"Where were you?" I stand up, "I was worried."

"Worried?"

"Yes. It's past midnight."

He clears his throat, "As you can see I am fine. Go to your bedroom."

"Where were you?" I demand.

"It does not concern you."

I am a bit hurt by that.

"I just - "

He interrupts me, "You keep secrets from me. Am I not allowed to do the same?"

Slowly I realize something, "Were you with another woman?"

He does not reply.

Why is he not saying anything?

I look at him in surprise, "Are you...having an affair?"

That's impossible. I can't even imagine Snape with a woman. That's just not something he would do.

He is silent.

"Answer me," I demand.

"And what if I _am_ having an affair? You yourself have said this marriage is fake."

I take a step back, "You are..."

"I have not admitted anything, Granger. Do not jump to conclusions."

"Then answer me."

He simply shakes his head, "You should really go to bed."

And with those words he walks away, leaving me alone.

I stand there for a couple of long minutes.

Is this really happening?

And if it is, why I am hurt by it? Why do I feel betrayed? Our marriage is fake, I know that.

I take a deep breath to calm myself down.

It does not matter.

It's his life.

And I have my life.

**A/N: Is Snape cheating? ;) Everything will be explained soon. Hopefully you enjoy the ride. Thanks for reading!**


	6. Chapter 6

**~ chapter 6 ~**

I take a sip of coffee and pretend to read the Daily Prophet as he walks into the kitchen, not saying anything. The memory of the last evening's event is still fresh in my mind and I do not feel like talking to him. Or even looking at him.

Even though I try hard to ignore him, I can't help but notice him as he sits down and pours himself some coffee.

I take a deep breath, biting my lower lip.

"Do you have plans for today?" he suddenly asks.

I tense up and simply shake my head, not looking up at him, "No."

"You are planning on spending the day here?"

"Perhaps," I reply, "I don't know yet."

Silence.

"Is there a reason you have not looked at me once?"

I slowly place the newspaper onto the table and then finally meet his eyes, "No, no particular reason."

He raises an eyebrow, "Is that so?"

"Yes."

"I do not believe you."

That angers me, "Believe what you want."

He smirks, "You are angry."

I stare at him, trying hard to remain emotionless but it's not working.

"Is it because of yesterday?" he asks, "I do not understand you, Granger. You have mentioned a thousand times our marriage is fake - "

"That does not give you the right to disrespect me."

There. I said it.

I can't pretend it does not bother me.

He is silent, only staring at me.

So I continue, "How would you feel if I...if I was...cheating on you?"

"I would hardly call it _cheating_," he drawls, "Are you forgetting the real reason behind our marriage?"

"No, but I expected you to respect me."

He stands up, "Respect is earned, Miss Granger. As well as trust."

And with that he walks out.

ooo

_I sit in silence beside his bed, watching him, observing him for any sign of movement. His chest is rising and falling slowly. He's breathing. There is a look of peace on his face and for some strange reason I can't look away._

_It feels magical._

_Saving someone's life._

_Knowing that the person would be dead if it weren't for you._

_We are alone in the room. Everyone knows he was a double agent, everyone knows he was not a traitor. And they all can't wait for him to wake up to attack him with questions._

_I pull my chair closer to the bed and then I see it._

_His face moves, frowns and then his eyes slowly open. He blinks a few times, not noticing me at all. I hold my breath in anticipation as I wait for him to realize where he is._

_Finally his eyes move towards me and there is confusion on his face. I am probably the last person he expected to find beside his bed._

_"Granger?" his voice is husky and weak._

_"Yes, Professor, it's me. How are you feeling?" I ask slowly._

_He does not answer._

_His hand moves up to his neck only to find it bandaged. I watch in silence as the realization slowly hits him and then he looks at me again._

_"What happened?"_

_"W-We won, Sir. Voldemort is gone."_

_"When?"_

_"Two days ago. You were...asleep since..."_

_"I died."_

_"No, you almost died," then I smile, "But I succeeded in bringing you back."_

_His eyes narrow at me, "You?"_

_"Yes, Harry helped, but - "_

_"You saved my life?"_

_"I did."_

_Silence._

_I did not expect him to be thankful, I know him better than that. But I sure as hell did not expect to see rage on his face. Rage directed towards me._

_"What gave you the right?" he asks slowly, his voice dripping with venom._

_"I'm sorry - ?"_

_"What gave you the right to decide about whether I lived or not?"_

_"Sir - "_

_"Leave, Miss Granger."_

_My eyes widen in shock, "But...I don't understand. You wanted to die?"_

_"Leave," he repeats._

_"I thought I helped you."_

_"Get out," he hisses, sending me a cold glare._

_I stand up, shaking slightly and quickly exit the room._

ooo

It's been a long time since I've been in the Great Hall for a meal. I was too ashamed to face all the students, but today I decided to eat with my friends.

And avoid Snape.

"So he's traveling all around the world," Ginny says, "He'll be back for a couple of days in December."

I force a smile.

"Will he be visiting Hogwarts?" Harry asks.

"Probably, he's dying to see you."

I clear my throat, "He hasn't mentioned _me_? Is he still angry?"

Ginny rolls her eyes, "You know how stubborn Ron can be sometimes. He's pretending to not care about you, but he'll come around eventually."

"I hope it doesn't take him longer than a few months," I whisper.

"What do you mean?" Harry turns to look at me.

"Forget it."

Ginny moves closer, "You've been acting so strange lately, Hermione."

I take a deep breath, "I'm just...having problems with Snape."

Both Harry and Ginny tense up but they pretend it does not bother them.

"What kind of problems?" they both ask at the same time then look at each other awkwardly.

"I can't really talk about it, but he is being really difficult," I admit.

Ginny smirks, "Well, he is _Snape_. What did you expect?"

What did I expect?

Perhaps a calm life. Or at least what's left of it. Not constant bickering and fighting.

I smile and quickly change the subject, "So, how's Quidditch?"

ooo

It's night already.

And he's not home. Again.

Where is he? What is he doing? Shouldn't he be preparing for tomorrow? It's Monday.

And why am I so nervous?

I need to relax. I need something to take my mind off of him.

My eyes slowly move to the firewhiskey on the table. I've never tried it. What does it taste like? Well, it can't hurt to try.

I pour myself a drink and bring the glass to my nose, sniffing it. It does not smell that bad.

I take a first sip and grimace as the liquid burns my throat.

Disgusting.

I put the glass down, coughing a bit, my eyes watering in the process.

But only a moment later I take another sip. And another.

Soon I am pouring myself another glass. The taste is getting better and better with each sip I take.

And I realize my mood is getting better as well.

A laugh escapes me as I pour myself a third glass.

ooo

I am laughing hard by now.

And what is wrong with the room? Why is it spinning around me like that? Has Snape put some sort of a spell on it?

I lay back onto the sofa, staring up at the ceiling.

"Granger?"

It's him.

I sit up and smile, "Hi."

"What are you doing up?" he asks.

"What are _you_ doing up?" I ask back, blinking a few times to clear my sight.

He is silent for a long moment, then he approaches me, "Have you been...drinking?"

"No," I reply, then a laugh escapes me and I cover my mouth with my hand.

He approaches me, "You've drank almost the whole bottle, Granger."

"I have?" my eyes widen in surprise, "Well, let's drink all of it then so you can throw it away."

I take the bottle from the table and bring it to my mouth. It's suddenly snatched away from me and I look up at him, "Give that back to me!"

"No," is his only answer as he puts the bottle away and returns to me, "Get up. I will walk you to your room."

"I don't feel like going to my room, Snape," I say to him, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Do stop being childish," he speaks, "You have classes tomorrow."

"So what? I'm not going, anyway."

"Of course you are going," he then points towards my room, "Get up."

"That...that is going to be a problem," I laugh.

"And why is that?"

"Because the room is...moving. And I'll just wait here until it stops if you don't mind."

Is that a small smile on his face? Or am I imagining it?

"Come," he says, grabbing my arm and pulling me to my feet.

I struggle at first, but then give in and we slowly walk to my room.

"Where have you been?" I ask, looking at him.

"There were matters I had to attend to."

"Really? I-I-I don't believe you."

Finally we reach my room and as soon as we enter, my stomach turns.

I close my eyes, "I don't feel so well."

"How come? You were so chipper only a minute ago," Snape replies sarcastically.

I grab his arm for support, "I think I'm going to be sick."

A tired sigh escapes him and he quickly helps me to the bathroom. I drop to my knees and hover above the toilet, shaking.

"What the hell were you thinking?" I hear him ask.

I try to answer, but the sickness takes over me again, followed by vomiting.

This feels horrible.

Minutes pass.

When I finally think it's over I make a move to get up and then I feel his hands on my shoulders, holding me steady.

"Bed," I manage to whisper.

As soon as we reach it, I fall onto it, closing my eyes. My head hurts now.

I can hear him walking away.

Is this it?

He's gone.

I'm starting to feel cold, but I don't want to move to cover myself with a blanket.

Then I hear him again.

I open one eye to see him sit on the bed next to me, offering me something.

"Take this. You will feel better," he says and I notice a small bottle in his hand.

"W-What is it?"

"A potion. It will help you."

I shake my head, "N-No."

"Do not be stubborn, Granger."

"I can't take it."

"Why not?"

I close my eyes, "Just go away and I'll see you t-tomorrow."

"Take the damn potion, Granger. I assure you it is not poisoned."

"I would not be so sure about that," the words escape me.

He draws a breath in but decides to ignore the comment, "Drink it, Granger."

"No."

"Do not make me force it down your throat."

"I can't take it. I could react badly with my medicine," I answer in a sleepy voice.

"What medicine?"

My eyes snap open. What did I just say?

He's staring at me suspiciously, "What medicine are you talking about, Granger?"

I roll over onto my back, "I want to go to bed."

"You _are_ in bed."

"I want to go to _sleep_."

Everything hurts. It feels as if I'm going to be sick again, but I can't move. I just want to sleep. What was I thinking getting drunk?

He's moving. I can feel it.

And then something is pulled over me and I feel much warmer.

"Why do you hate me?" I ask quietly.

"Sleep."

"_I_ don't hate _you_."

"You are not even going to remember this conversation in the morning, Granger."

My voice is barely above a whisper as I look at him, "I'm dying."

"You are not dying."

"I am."

"You are going to be alright. And hopefully you will think twice before doing something as foolish as this again."

That's funny. I finally admit my secret to him and he does not believe me. It's probably meant to be like that. The universe does not want him to know.

I close my eyes again, "I don't want you to hate me."

Silence.

I groan and move, pressing my face into the mattress.

"I do not hate you. Now go to sleep."

My body is not obeying me. I want to open my eyes. I want to talk, but I can't.

Soon the darkness takes over me.

**A/N: Thank you for reading! :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**~ chapter 7 ~**

My head hurts.

I can barely open my eyes to look around. When I notice I'm in my room, I relax, then memories come flooding back.

What the hell was I thinking?

Getting drunk is completely out of character for me.

But...it was fun while it lasted. I can still remember how funny everything seemed to be and I wasn't worried about anything. I felt no shame, no embarrassment, nothing was holding me back. I could even talk to Snape without being - .

Oh God.

_Snape_.

I hide my face into the covers as I try to remember what I said to him.

There isn't much I can remember.

One minute I was laughing at him and the next he was walking me to my room, putting me in bed.

That was nice of him.

Of course he probably did it because he did not want me to vomit all over his living room.

I close my eyes, deciding to rest for a bit longer.

Then I hear a soft knock on the door.

Is it him?

"C-Come in," I call out, forcing myself to sit up and look sober.

But it isn't him.

It's his House Elf and he's carrying a plate.

He looks at me sceptically, "Good morning, Miss."

"Morning," I reply, "What time is it?"

"Past eleven, Miss."

My eyes widen in surprise, "I'm late for classes!" I quickly jump out of the bed, then realize it was a bad idea as the room starts spinning around me again. Just like yesterday, but this time it's less funny.

I sit back on the bed, closing my eyes for a second, "How come no one woke me up?"

"Master ordered so," the Elf answers and places a large cub of coffee on the nightstand, "He also ordered me to bring this to Miss when she wakes up."

"He did?"

The Elf nods his head, then looks at me awkwardly.

"Y-You can go. Thank you," I say to him and he immediately leaves.

I run a hand through my hair, not believing how stupid I was.

How am I going to explain everything to my friends? I can't just admit I got drunk. They would want to know why and I-I can't answer that.

Why?

I think I was just sick and tired of _everything_ and I desperately needed to relax a bit and...not _feel_ so much.

Forget about everything.

And the alcohol helped.

Sadly it only lasted a couple of hours.

ooo

I cover my mouth, willing the sickness to go away. I've been to the bathroom three times already and it's only the middle of the day. If I vomit one more time, there won't be anything left of me anymore.

"I think I will start hiding my bottles of Firewhiskey," a voice suddenly cuts through the silence.

A short scream escapes me and I turn to see who it is.

It's _him_. Who else could it be? Who else would barge into my room without knocking?

"You really need to learn some manners," I bark at him, "This is my room and - " I stop talking as another wave of sickness hits me and I close my eyes, waiting for it to pass.

When I finally feel strong enough to talk again, I send him a cold glare, "If you do not learn to knock before entering, I will start locking the doors."

He only raises his eyebrow at that, slightly amused by it.

I pull the covers up to my neck and wait.

What does he want?

Slowly he approaches my bed, looking down his nose, "How are you feeling?"

"How do you think?"

"Are you capable of having a conversation? There are some matters I need to discuss with you."

I nod, "What is it?"

"What exactly is going on with you and Minerva?"

"W-What?"

"You two are hiding something."

"What makes you think that?"

He narrows his eyes at me, "When you missed class today she barged into my classroom demanding explanation and almost pushing me to the floor to get to my..._our_ private quarters."

I tense up, "She's always been like a mother to me."

A cold smirk plays on his lips, "I think there is much more than just that. She was acting as if you had died."

Biting down on my lip I try to remain calm and unaffected by his words.

He continues, "And when I explained the real reason for your absence, her behaviour got...strange."

I force a smile, "That is something you should ask _her_ about."

"What are you hiding from me?" his voice gets angrier, "Why are you taking medicine?"

My heart stops, "Medicine? Were you...were you going through my things?"

He rolls his eyes, "I am not _completely_ without manners, Miss Granger."

"Then how do you - ?"

"You yourself said it. Last night, when I offered you a potion you refused to take it, claiming it would _react badly with your medicine_."

I am speechless.

What can I say?

How can I get out of this one?

"I-I-I was drunk," the words somehow make their way out of my mouth.

"That is a petty excuse. What did you mean by 'medicine'?"

Another wave of sickness hits me and I could not be more thankful for it. Jumping out of my bed, I run past him into the bathroom, slamming the doors shut and yelling "Leave!" before dropping to my knees and hovering above the toilet.

ooo

_This is humiliating._

_Everyone is looking at me._

_Whispering things. Pointing at me. Grimacing. Shaking their head._

_And it's understandable._

_Two days ago I married the Potions Master._

_My friends pretend they understand. They pretend they do not judge me, but I can see it in their eyes. They are wondering what the hell is wrong with me._

_I walk through the hallway, making my way to the Great Hall, trying hard to look strong and confident._

_"Hermione!"_

_That voice._

_I turn around, noticing Ron standing a few feet away._

_I can't believe it._

_He's been gone for more than a month. Ever since it became public that I would marry Severus Snape._

_I immediately run over to him, wanting to hug him, to ask him how he is, where he's been, why he's back. So many questions._

_But I freeze as I notice the expression on his face._

_Rage._

_Hate._

_"Ron."_

_"So you really did it," he says coldly, "You married that...git."_

_"Lets go to my room," I try to calm him down._

_"Your room? You mean his quarters?"_

_"Ron - "_

_"What the hell is wrong with you, Hermione?" he raises his voice, "Are you...mental? He has you under some spell, it has to be that!"_

_Everyone is looking at us by now._

_"Ron, stop it, I'm not under a spell. You don't know what you're talking about."_

_"Then explain it to me! You can't, can you?"_

_I grit my teeth together, "Let's just go somewhere private."_

_"I can't do that, Hermione. You are a married woman now, how would it look if you went somewhere with your former boyfriend?"_

_People are whispering._

_They just love scenes like this._

_How can Ron do this to me?_

_I take a deep breath, "I am not going to discuss this here."_

_Just as I am about to turn away, he laughs, "I understand. You can't discuss your love life in public!"_

_"Ronald, shut your mouth!" I scream at him, my whole body shaking._

_"I will shut my mouth, but only when you explain yourself!"_

_"Miss Granger does not need to explain anything to you, Mr. Weasley."_

_Snape._

_He appears out of nowhere and moves to stand next to me._

_"You bastard," Ron whispers, "I knew you were no hero. Lusting after girls more than half your age! You are disgusting."_

_"Ron, stop it!" I try again._

_Snape turns his attention to the students surrounding us, "I am going to count to three and anyone who is still standing here by the time I reach 'three' will be serving detention every day for the rest of this year. One."_

_In two seconds everyone is gone._

_I approach Ron, "I'm sorry. I can't explain, but you will understand one day. I promise you, this is for the best."_

_He grabs my arm, "You replaced me with him! Him of all people!"_

_What can I say to make this better?_

_Snape does not move, but his cold voice cuts through the silence, "Get your hand off her, Weasley, if you do not wish to pull back a bleeding limb."_

_Ron lets go of me and just shakes his head, looking hard at me, "Who are you?"_

_Before I have a chance to reply he turns and walks away._

_I stand there, feeling as if someone just ripped out my guts._

_Snape walks over to me, "I will see to it that he is not allowed on school ground anymore."_

_And then he too walks away._

ooo

It's almost night already.

I'm still sick, but I needed to do this.

I miss them so much.

It's cold and I start shivering as I hide behind a bush across the street from my house.

My _former_ house.

The house where I grew up in and eventually had to leave forever.

I tense up as a car parks in front of it.

A second passes.

Then another.

And then she opens the doors.

Mum.

A smile forms on my lips as I watch her. She looks fine. She's healthy and happy. Life is so much better for her when she does not have a sick daughter to take care of.

I watch in silence as she picks up a large bag of groceries and carries it to the house. An orange falls to the floor and I feel such strong need to go there and help her. To open the doors of the house for her, to pick the orange up, to say 'hi, mum, how was your day?'.

But I do none of those things.

I hide and watch as she returns for the orange, locks the car doors and disappears into the house.

I stand there for a couple of minutes, silent tears sliding down my face.

And then I apparate back into the Wizarding world.

ooo

"Sometimes I wonder why I came back here," Harry admits, pulling his books out of his bag and placing them on the desk.

"Because," I remind him, "You want to be an Auror."

"Perhaps there's another way..."

"Harry, stop it."

He shakes his head, "Two hours of Transfiguration! Don't you think we should get some kind of...special treatment for being War heroes?"

I smile at him, "You are just lazy, Harry."

Professor McGonagall enters the classroom and we all sit down, turning our attention towards her.

"Good morning, students," she starts.

I open the book, turning to page fifty-five and then I start to feel it.

Nausea.

I blink a few times, taking a deep breath.

It will pass.

Ignoring it, I look at Professor McGonagall but soon I realize I can't really _hear_ her. There is pressure in my head and I lean onto the desk, praying and _hoping_ it will pass.

But it doesn't.

Soon I start seeing black spots and this scares me.

"Harry," I manage to whisper before my vision turns dark.

_"Hermione."_

_"What is wrong?"_

_"Breathe."_

I can hear the voices but I can't see anything.

Soon the darkness takes over me completely.

ooo

I groan, opening my eyes slowly.

This isn't my room.

Why am I in someone else's bed?

Professor Snape.

He's sitting on the chair next to my bed.

And he's staring at me.

"Why are you here?" I ask, my voice raspy.

"As your husband I am the first person to contact in case of emergency."

"_Emergency_?" I am a bit surprised, then I take a look around, "Hospital Wing."

"I am stunned by your power of observation."

Ignoring his comment, I demand, "How did I get here?"

"You fainted."

Oh.

Now I remember.

Not the fainting part, but I do remember feeling a bit strange and hoping it would pass.

"Well, I-I feel good now," I say, sitting up.

"Where do you think you are going, Miss Granger?"

"Out of here. I'm fine, it was just an...accident."

His expression stops me.

He is serious.

"You are not going anywhere," he says calmly and I can't force myself to disobey.

"I'm fine," I insist.

"You are not fine. You were unconscious for a couple of hours."

My eyes widen in shock, "What?"

"Exactly," he nods, "And you are going to remain in that bed until the blood result tests come back."

My throat closes up, "A-Alright. But _you_ can leave. I'm fine and there's no need for you to stay here. I've wasted more than enough of your time already."

His dark eyes cut through me and for a second I think he knows about everything.

But that's impossible, right?

"I am not going anywhere," he replies, "As much as it pains me to admit, you are my responsibility now."

"I'm not."

"You are," he repeats, "And I have never turned my back on my responsibilities. Only when I see the proof that you are indeed alright will I leave you alone and you can start annoying me with your presence again. But until then I am going to sit here and you are going to stay on that bed. Preferably, _silent_."

I gulp, keeping a calm face.

What now?

**A/N: I know you guys want to see Snape find out the truth, but that's not the point of this story. And it can't happen this early in the story, believe me, I know what I'm doing. ;) Thank you for reading!**


	8. Chapter 8

**~ chapter 8 ~**

"You know this is entirely unnecessary," I start again, for the fifth time by now, "You have classes, you don't have to stay here."

He does not look up at me from the newspaper he is reading, "I am sure they will manage without me."

I bite my lip, "These are not the Dark ages. Just because we are married it does not mean I'm not capable of doing things on my own."

"Hmm," is his only response.

With each second that passes I am getting more and more nervous. I can't just _order_ him to leave, I _could_, but he would know then that something is very wrong.

Is this it?

Is he finally going to find out?

And then he will be angry with me for hiding it from him. Soon he will start feeling sorry for me. It's inevitable. People always feel sorry for a dying person. And then he will start acting strange around me, he will be _nice_ to me and I won't be able to handle it. I don't want his pity.

"What are you expecting to find out?" I ask carefully, "That I'm dying? That I have this incurable disease and that I've been hiding it from you?"

He looks up at me, "You have a very vivid imagination, Miss Granger."

I simply stare at him, wondering if I should just confess everything and be done with it, "W-What if I am...dying?"

He continues, "You are not dying. I know what dying means and how it feels like, believe me."

"Then why are you here?"

"I want to know what is wrong with my wife."

That catches me off guard a bit. He said 'wife'. It sounded strange.

He realizes it too and quickly looks back down to the newspaper.

I pull the cover up to my neck and wait.

There is nothing else I could do.

ooo

Madam Pomfrey enters the room, quickly walking towards us, a serious expression on her face.

I sit up, my heart threatening to jump out of my ribcage.

"Well?" Snape asks, standing up.

I am silent, not able to form a word.

I _know_ what is wrong with me, I've been through this before, I've heard the diagnosis and I don't have to hear it again.

Poppy looks at me, "Well, have you been eating at all lately?"

"I-I have."

She simply shakes her head in disagreement, but continues, "You are healthy, but you are not consuming enough vitamines. You are obviously not eating properly," she then turns her attention to Snape, "You should have noticed it and acted on it."

"He's not - " I try to defend him.

"I _apologize_, Poppy," he snarls, "Next time I will do my best to shove food down her throat."

"Enough, both of you," I raise my voice, "So...I'm alright?"

"That's what I said," she nods, "Now off you go."

"B-But..." I don't understand, how could she have missed it?

Snape moves to the doors, waiting for me.

"You can go," I say to him, "I just want to ask Madam a question."

He sighs in annoyance then leaves, closing the doors behind him.

When I'm positive we are alone, I turn to Poppy, "What is going on?"

"I think you are making a mistake, child, but it is your decision."

"What do you mean?"

"Minerva told me everything. And she asked me if I could...lie and pretend you are completely healthy."

I relax, "Thank you."

"Why are you hiding this? Why are you not even trying to get better? There are treatments - "

"I know. I tried it. Long months of treatments, but it did not help at all. It only made everything worse. I lost weight, I was sick all the time, my hair was falling out and...and it was all pointless."

Why is she making me talk about it? I don't want to explain it. I don't want to remember it.

Poppy nods, "That is your choice. You are of age. But...lying to Severus - "

I jump out of the bed, "Thank you for your help. I really appreciate it."

Not waiting for her to reply I walk out of the room.

ooo

_This is our first big fight._

_There has been bickering before, but nothing like this. It's good his dungeons are underground so that nobody can hear us._

_"If you have a problem with me, deal with me!" I scream, "Do not harass Harry!"_

_"Is he not capable of defending himself and has to send you to stand up for him?"_

_"He did not send me. I am here because you need to stop with this behaviour! humiliating Harry, humiliating the Gryfindors, humiliating me. Why don't you just admit what your real problem is?"_

_His cold eyes meet mine, "Fine. You are my problem."_

_"How? What am I doing to annoy you so much?"_

_"Do not get me started."_

_"I do not talk to you. I do not even look at you. Why do you hate me so much?"_

_Rage flashes in his eyes, "What gave you the right to force yourself into my life?"_

_"You would have to marry either way!"_

_"And I should be thankful you made it easier for me, is that what you are saying?"_

_I shake my head, "Of course not, but - "_

_"I have agreed to this marriage and I have every right to show my displeasure over it."_

_"Not by picking on Gryfindors for every little thing!"_

_"And how are you going to stop me?" he asks, raising an eyebrow, "Of course, you are going to force me. Like you forced me to survive the War, like you forced me to marry you."_

_"Is that what you are really angry about? That I saved you?"_

_He turns around, "I do not need this right now."_

_I follow him as he walks to him room, "Admit it! You are angry at me for saving you! You wanted to die! Why?"_

_"Go back to your room," he orders._

_"No!" I grab his arm, trying to make him face me._

_Then it all happens very fast._

_He turns around, snatching his arm away from me and backhanding me across my face._

_I stumble back, completely shocked, holding my bruised cheek._

_His eyes widen, "I...I did not mean...It was...by accident. I turned and - "_

_I know he didn't do it on purpose. He was just trying to get rid of me and I was standing too close and...it happened._

_"I am so sorry," his voice is quiet._

_Nodding, I take a step back, "It's alright. I'm...alright."_

_He simply stares at me. As if I might break into a thousand pieces._

_The slap did not hurt, it was just completely unexpected._

_I think my pride is wounded._

_Our fight has gone too far._

_"We should...go to sleep," I finally speak._

_"We should."_

_I nod and quickly disappear into my room._

_ooo_

"So you are alright?" Ginny asks as she sits on the edge of my bed, "Harry said it was quite...scary."

"I would think so," I force a smile, pacing up and down the room, "It was exactly what I needed. Another embarrassment in front of the entire class."

"Don't worry, they'll forget all about it in a day or two."

"I hope so."

I run a hand through my hair, letting out a deep breath.

"Hermione, what's wrong?"

"I'm just...nervous."

"Why?"

"It's...the middle of a week."

Ginny looks at me strangely, "And...?"

"It's been almost a week since...you know. Snape and I...you know."

"Oh," she grins, "And why are you nervous?"

"Because that is not exactly something I am looking forward to, Gin."

"Why not?"

I sigh.

She does not understand. How could she?

"Alright," I try, "Picture...Professor Slughorn."

Ginny nods.

I continue, "Now try to imagine you have to sleep with him."

She grimaces, "Eww, Hermione! I did not need that in my head!"

"Now you understand me?"

She slowly returns back to normal, "Yes, but...it's kinda not the same thing."

"It is."

"No. Snape is your husband now. You should have gotten used to him by now."

I sit beside her, "Well, I haven't. Not in that way."

Ginny grimaces again, "As disgusting as it is for me to picture Snape naked, you have to admit he is a much better choice than Slughorn."

"I wouldn't know."

"What do you mean?"

I take a deep breath, "I've...never seen him...without clothes."

Confusion shows on Ginny's face, "But then how...how do you..."

"We do it," I try to explain, blushing a bit, "But we never take our clothes off."

"Are you serious?"

"It was his idea...and it's not such a bad idea."

"Hermione," Ginny starts, "Why are you two making things even more complicated?"

"Because...we can't just...we don't..."

"Look, I do not understand why you chose to marry him of all people and I probably never will. But...you are in this mess now. Why not enjoy it?"

"I don't think that's possible," I look down at my hands, not sure if I want to continue this conversation.

"You can fight by day and shag at night."

My eyes widen, "Ginny, keep your voice down! What if he's in the living room?"

She laughs, "Well, that wouldn't be such a bad thing. He could take my advice."

"Let's just...change the subject," I suggest, "Where will you be spending the holidays?"

"At home. Harry will be there as well. It's too bad _you_ can't come too."

I shrug, "Perhaps I can. It's not like Snape wants me here. He'll be delighted to be free of me for a couple of days."

"Tell me what you've decided. Mum will be glad to finally see you."

Perhaps I could spend the winter holidays with the Weasleys. But what if Ron returns? That would be awkward. Still, spending the holidays in the cold dungeons with the coldest person on the planet is not exactly what I need right now.

ooo

I sit on the sofa, completely lost in the book I'm reading.

I bought it while I was in the Muggle World. Actually, my mum bought it for me. She thought it might help me.

Then I hear his footsteps.

Throwing a quick glance at the clock, I realize it's almost midnight.

Where has he been?

He walks into the living room and stands there for a couple of seconds, not saying anything. I try to continue reading, but it's impossible so I give up and look at him.

"You should be asleep," he finally speaks.

"The same goes for you, Sir."

He moves and sits in the armchair opposite me.

Does he want to talk about something?

His eyes drop to the book in my lap.

"_Imperfection_," he reads the title, then meets my eyes, "Interesting choice."

"I-I just thought it could be..._interesting_," I reply, putting the book away.

"A story about a girl who is left paralyzed after an accident," he speaks, "Isn't it a bit too depressing for you?"

"You...you've read it?"

"Many years ago."

I can't believe it.

Silence.

"If my memory serves me right, she is killed at the end, right?" he asks.

"I-I don't know," I shake my head, "I've just reached the middle."

He nods, remaining silent.

But my curiosity gets the best of me, "Tell me...how does she die?"

"Read the book and you will find out."

I roll my eyes, "You have already said too much. Now you have to tell me everything."

"I do not want to take the pleasure of reading it away from you."

"Yes, a real pleasure. Reading about a girl who is dying. Just tell me."

After a moment he nods, "After a year of therapy and no improvement she loses hope. She decides it is not worth it. She sees what it is doing to her family, to her friends and...she decides to end it."

"She kills herself?"

"No. She...asks her fiancée to do it."

I throat closes up, "And he does it?"

"Yes."

Silence.

I finally gather the courage to ask, "What did you think of it? The book? The ending?"

"It was interesting."

"That's all?"

"I have read better stories."

I nod, "I know that. But what did you think about the ending? Do you think she did the right thing?"

"No."

I tense up, "Why not?"

"She should not have asked somebody else to do it. If she so desperately needed to be free of this life, she should have found a way to end it herself and not place the responsibility on someone else."

"Oh. But you support her desision...to quit fighting?"

His look is dark when he finally speaks, "I believe everyone has a right to do whatever they wish with their life," after a slight pause he continues, "That is a lesson you still need to learn."

I know what he is trying to say.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, "I didn't know you wanted to...die."

"It was not something I _wanted_, Miss Granger. You do not understand. It was something that _was meant_ to happen."

I meet his eyes, "I don't believe that. If you were meant to die then you would have died."

He smirks, "And now I am alive. With nothing to do. No mission. _Nothing_. What is the point of my existence?"

"There _is_ a reason, Sir. I'm sure of it. Everything happens for a reason."

He blinks at me, "I think you have been reading a bit too much of that book. You should go to sleep."

With those words he stands up and leaves the room.

After a few minutes I do the same.

**A/N: People have been asking if Hermione dies at the end. I can't answer that question. To be honest, I haven't really decided. So just be patient with me. ;) Thank you. **


	9. Chapter 9

**~ chapter 9 ~**

I wake up in a good mood. I don't exactly know _why_, but I'm thankful for it. It's a beautiful day outside. It's snowing and I love to just sit by the window and observe it. But I have classes so the _observing_ will have to wait a couple of hours.

I can't get the last night's conversation out of my mind. A part of me still can't believe that Snape read the same book that I'm reading. And the things he said about it...it gave me a lot to think about. So he approves of the right to choose. To choose when it's best to just stop fighting. I know there are people who would never understand why I'm doing this. They would judge me, but they haven't been through what I've been through. I know it's pointless. The doctor himself had said it. In different words, of course.

So perhaps...if I told Snape...he would not be so appalled by my decision. He would understand. I mean, he himself had wanted to die, he was ready to die, but then I had to intervene and mess up his destiny.

I take a deep breath, not knowing what to do.

Should I tell him?

ooo

"Good morning," I murmur as I step into the kitchen.

He only looks at me before returning his gaze to the newspaper in front of him.

I clear my throat awkwardly, not knowing how to start the subject.

"You...you know what day is today?" I ask.

"I do."

"I-I know we still have two days, but I would rather just...get _that_ over with as soon as possible."

He knows what I'm talking about. He tenses up even though he tries to hide it.

"Why?" is the only word that comes from him. He is still reading the newspaper, or _pretending_ to read the newspaper.

I shrug my shoulders, "The sooner the better."

"As you wish."

Now it's my turn to tense up, "Alright. Thank you."

_Thank you_? Why am I thanking him?

"Are you...planning on going somewhere today?" he asks, calmly.

"What do you mean?"

"Out of Hogwarts."

I think for a moment, "No, I don't think so."

"Good."

I narrow my eyes at him, "Why?"

"Nothing important."

Why is he always so mysterious?

Shaking my head I quickly leave the kitchen.

ooo

"Hermione!" someone calls my name.

I stop and turn around to see Harry making his way through the crowded hallway. Finally he reaches me and there's a worried look on his face.

"What is it?" I ask, recognizing that expression.

It has something to do with Voldemort.

"Haven't you heard?" he asks, "It's in the Daily Prophet."

"What is?"

"Two Death Eaters have been caught."

"What? When? Where?"

"In the Diagon Alley, early in the morning."

I relax, "Well, that's good, right?"

"Yes, but...you really haven't read anything about it?"

I shake my head, "No, I couldn't get my hands on it. Snape was reading it."

"And he didn't tell you?"

I'm silent for a moment, "No, he didn't."

Harry looks around, then motions towards the corner. We slowly move away from all the crowd and then he speaks again, more quietly this time, "Well, he's in danger. apparently the Death Eaters that are still on the run are plotting something."

"Against him?"

"Against the _traitor_. That's what they said before they were taken to Azkaban. It's all over the Daily Prophet!"

I shake my head, "He hasn't told me anything."

"Just be careful. I know we should be safe at school, but you never know."

"Alright. Thank you for telling me," I reply and we both exchange worried glances before making our way to class.

_ooo_

_I'm sitting in the Great Hall, surrounded by my friends. They are all laughing, joking and enjoying the food. I can't remember the last time they were like this. The threat of Voldemort is finally gone. We are back at Hogwarts and even without Ron it still feels like home. _

_Harry and Ginny are holding hands under the table and thinking that nobody notices. I smile at that and look down at my food._

_Then I hear it._

_"Attention, please."_

_Snape's voice. Calm and cold._

_Not even two seconds later everyone is silent. They are all looking at each other, surprised by what is happening. Snape is not usually the one who gives speeches at the start of a school year._

_"I would like to say a few words," Snape continues._

_"What does he want?" Harry whispers and I simply shake my head._

_"First of, let me welcome you back," Snape says, "I am sure many of you thought we would never see each other again. I am sorry to disappoint."_

_"He's still the same snarky git," Ginny whispers._

_"But there are some changes. And I think you all deserve to know about them," he says and his eyes meet mine._

_He's looking at me, even though I'm sitting at the other end of the Great Hall. And he is smirking. Suddenly fear washes over me. What is he planning?_

_"I would like you all to meet the soon-to-be Mrs. Snape."_

_I freeze._

_Students start to whisper._

_He did not just say that._

_I only imagined it._

_"Snape's...getting married?" Ginny asks, disbelief in her voice, "That's..."_

_"Really wrong," Harry finishes for her._

_And I can't even speak._

_Snape finally continues, "Hermione Granger, would you please stand up?"_

_All eyes turn to me._

_I can feel my face burning. I'm probably like a tomato._

_"Hermione, what the hell is he talking about?" Harry asks, completely shocked._

_"Hermione Granger, my fiancée," Snape finishes, a slight smirk on his lips._

_He's doing this on purpose. He is trying to get me to take back my proposal._

_humiliation in public._

_Nice one._

_And I did not want my friends to find out like this._

_I can see Professor McGonagall talking to Snape, she seems furious, but it does not have any effect on Snape. He is convinced he has succeeded._

_And then I decide to do something he would not expect from me in a million years._

_I stand up slowly and shakily make my way up to him. I thank God my legs did not betrey me as I stand next to him._

_The expression on his face turns from pleased to surprised and then to angry._

_I turn to the students and force a smile, "He is right. I will soon be Mrs. Snape."_

_Dead silence._

_And then I turn to look at Snape who is killing me with his eyes._

_This is it._

_He can't refuse anymore._

_Slowly I walk out of the Great Hall, trying to keep my head high._

ooo

I knock on his bedroom doors, "Sir?"

No answer.

I knock again.

Nothing.

Where is he?

It's evening already, he should be in our quarters.

Perhaps...

I quickly make my way to his Potions lab. This time I do not knock, I just enter, not really expecting to find him, but there he is.

"H-Hi," I say, catching his attention.

The room is full of strange smells, the air is heavy, there are several cauldrons and Snape is standing over all of them, his face concentrated.

"What are you doing?" I ask, stepping into the room.

"Playing Quidditch," comes his reply.

I roll my eyes, "What are these potions for?"

"For infirmary."

"I...I didn't know you brew potions for infirmary."

"What did you think? That they magically appear out of thin air?" he finally looks at me, raising his eyebrow.

"Of course not," I defend myself, "I just didn't think you are behind all of it."

"Hmm," he turns his attention back to the cauldron in front of him.

"So...what are these potions for?"

"For relieving cramps. Poppy has requested I brew a month's supply."

A laugh escapes me, "You make potions for relieving cramps?"

"I do not see the humour in it."

"It's just...if the girls knew you are the one who makes the potions..."

"Yes?"

"Perhaps they would like you a bit more."

He looks at me again, "Yes, and that is exactly what I live for. That _spoiled teenage girls_ would like me."

I smile, then turn to look at all the cauldrons.

"How do you manage?" I ask, "There are at least fifteen of cauldrons in here."

"I manage my time correctly."

"Can I help?"

That takes him a bit off guard.

"Don't you have...homework?" he asks.

"I already did it."

He is fighting with himself, I can see it. It's obvious he could use some help, but he does not want to have to bear my presence.

"Alright," he finally says and my face lights up.

"Take that book," he points at end of the table, "Page 247. You have five minutes."

I quickly push my hair back and get to work.

ooo

I'm exhausted.

It's almost midnight and we still have not finished making all the potions. But at least we're done for now. Snape said he will have to check them again in the middle of the night, but that's still a couple of hours from now.

There is _that thing_ we need to do now.

I walk into his bedroom and sit on the bed. How I wish I could just lay back, close my eyes and fall asleep.

Then I hear his footsteps. He approaches me, handing me a small potion vial.

I know what it is.

Grimacing, I quickly drink all of the liquid, preparing myself for the horrible taste.

But...it's different.

It tastes of strawberries.

How is that possible?

"Is this a contraceptive?" I ask him.

"What else could it be?"

"It tastes different. Better."

"Yes. Well. I added something to it. It does not matter."

Why did he change it? A part of me finds it difficult to believe he did it to please me, to make it easier for me. But...a few days ago I complained about the taste of it and now it tastes like strawberries. It had to be because of me.

I don't know how I should feel about it.

"T-Thank you?"

"What for?" he asks, pretending to be oblivious to it all.

I don't want to play games with him, "You know what for."

He clears his throat, "Should we begin?"

"Wait!" I stop him before he turns the lights off.

There is surprise on his face, "Yes?"

"I know about...about the Death Eaters that were caught this morning."

He does not react at all.

I continue, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I presumed you did not need _me_ to read it to you. You _can_ read, can't you?"

I ignore that comment, "You are in danger."

"I am always in danger, Miss Granger."

"Not like this."

He sighs, "No need to worry."

"I do worry."

He raises an eyebrow, "Well. If something happens to me, if I were to die, you would be free."

I tense up, "Don't say that."

"You would be free of his idiotic law."

"You need to be careful. Death Eaters want revenge."

He nods, "I am aware of that. But I am much more worried about you."

"Why?"

"We are _married_. If they are smart, they will try to use you to get to me."

"Let them try."

He smirks slightly, "Do not think you are invincible."

"The same advice goes for you, Sir."

"I can take care of myself," he replies, then adds, "We should...begin."

I am silent for a moment, "Wait."

I'm not so sure I want to do this now.

This evening has actually been...nice. I can't believe we were able to have a normal conversation. And I do not want to destroy the memory of this evening by doing something which still disgusts me.

"On second thought," I start, "Could we...postpone this?"

I quickly stand up, "Tomorrow?"

There is confusion on his face, but he nods, "Of course."

"Thank you. Good night."

I slowly leave his room with a strange feeling in my belly. He was actually nice to me. As nice as Snape could be.

And I want to get away from him before he says something to destroy it all.

When I finally reach my room I can't help but smile.

Perhaps all is not as awful as I thought it was?

**A/N: I appreciate your feedback. Really glad many of you are enjoying the story! ;)**


	10. Chapter 10

**~ chapter 10 ~**

I look down at my left arm, noticing a new bruise. It's purple with small capillaries that somehow broke under the skin, allowing blood to escape and build up. A small reminder that I am not healthy. No matter how good I've been feeling these past few days, my body does not allow me to forget that I am dying.

Taking a deep breath, I look at the large cut on the inside of my wrist. I made that. A few weeks ago. Before my marriage to Snape. I was going crazy, there were too many things going on, my parents, friends, the law, my illness, too much pressure. I thought I was going to explode and I did it. Cut myself. I made me feel better, but only for a few seconds. It somehow felt as if I released all the pressure inside of me.

I have never cut myself again after that.

ooo

I am about to leave the classroom with Harry when McGonagall's voice stops me.

"Miss Granger, a word, please."

Harry looks at me, "Do you want me to wait for you?"

"No, it's fine. I'll see you at lunch."

He leaves and I turn to face the Headmistress.

She approaches me, a worried expression on her face, "Miss Granger - "

"What's wrong?" I tense up, "My _parents_?"

"No, no. Your parents are alright."

I relax a bit, "Then what is it? I know something's wrong."

She struggles with words for a few moments, "I...Ronald Weasley is here."

I do not react for a long moment, but then my eyes widen in shock, "What? Where?"

"Here. At Hogwarts."

"But...that's not possible. Professor Snape banned him from ever coming here again."

McGonagall raises an eyebrow, "Professor Snape is a very respected teacher and a war hero. But I am still the Headmistress here. And I decide who is allowed on the property and who is not."

I smile a bit, "Of course. So...where is he? And why are you telling _me_ this?"

As far as I know Ron does not want anything to do with me.

"He is in my office, waiting for you, Miss Granger."

I gulp, "He wants to...talk to me?"

"Yes."

"Are you sure? Perhaps he meant Harry - "

"He was very specific, Miss Granger. He would like to see _you_."

I have waited so long for this. And now I don't know what to do.

ooo

I walk into McGonagall's office, pretending to be really confident.

And then all my fake confidence comes crashing down when I see him. After that big fight in the hallway and after months of not seeing each other, he is here again.

He stands up and turns to face me.

He's different. His hair is longer, he's taller and more muscular.

Our eyes meet and I wait in silence, not sure of how to proceed. If he starts to yell at me again I will just leave.

And then he...smiles. It's one of those shy smiles, the ones I've fallen in love with.

"Hermione," he says and his voice is deeper.

He has changed so much.

"Ron," I say back.

And then he points at the seat next to him, "Come, sit down."

I don't move for a long moment, but then I shake my head, "What are you doing here? Does your family knows you're back? Does Harry know?"

"No, I wanted to talk to you first."

That surprises me, "Why? If my memory serves me right, you said you don't want anything to do with me the last time I saw you."

He cringes, "I'm...sorry for that. I was upset. But...things have changed. And now I'm...back."

"Back?"

"Back at school," he smiles.

"You're..."

"I've returned to finish my last year."

I blink a few times, "But...Ron...you hate school."

A short laugh escapes him, "I still want to finish my last year."

I approach him, "You've been all over the Daily Prophet for the last couple of months. Traveling around the world, enjoying life, surrounded by girls."

"Hermione, that was then. I was foolish, thinking I can live my life without education. Being a war hero does not pay bills. And fame eventually dies out."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. He's coming back to school?

"But," I start, "It's December. How are you going to catch up with everything?"

"Well, I was thinking you could help me. And - "

I raise my hand up to silence him, "Wait. Why the sudden change? You know...you know I'm still married to Professor Snape?"

He tenses up at that, but nods, "I know. And I promise to not make any scenes because of that."

I watch him in silence. Can I believe him?

"Hermione," he starts, his voice low, "I...realized something while I was away."

"And what is that?"

"I...I'm..."

"Ron?"

"I want you back," he blushes a bit.

My throat closes up when I hear those words from him, "Ron..."

"Just hear me out. I came back here to finish the year and to win you back."

I close my eyes in frustration, "Ron, that's insane."

"I don't know why you did what you did, but I know you aren't in love with him. Tell me I'm wrong."

He waits.

I'm silent.

After a few moments he clears his throat, "Well, I should go find McGonagall."

After he leaves the room, I let out a tired breath. No matter how much I missed him, I do not want him here. It will just complicate everything.

ooo

_It's finally over._

_He rolls of off me and I just lay there, shaking._

_This is it?_

_It's dark in the room, but I can see him. He is sitting on the edge of the bed, his back turned to me. Is he shaking too?_

_I look down at myself. I'm still wearing my wedding dress. We did not even bother taking off our clothes._

_And then I burst into tears._

_A loud cry escapes me, but I quickly place a hand over my mouth to muffle any sound._

_But he heard it._

_And he turns around to look at me._

_"Granger?"_

_I need to stop crying. It's pointless. And useless. And pathetic. This was all my idea. Why am I crying? It all made perfect sense in my head, but now I'm not so sure about anything anymore._

_"Are you in pain?" he asks._

_"Y-Yes."_

_Hermione, stop it. Stop acting like a child._

_He tenses up, "Was I...?"_

_No._

_Considering I forced him into this, he was actually gentle._

_But it still hurt and it still hurts and I'm ashamed. It's all a bit too real now._

_"I...I have some potions that might help. And...a Dreamless sleep potion," his voice is cold and distant._

_I feel as if I'm at the Doctor's office again. _

_Another cry escapes me._

_"Granger? I can...Obliviate you, if you wish."_

_I say nothing._

_He slowly continues, "I had hoped...that the Weasley boy or...Mr. Krum..."_

_"We've only kissed."_

_Why am I explaining this to him?_

_I sit up, pushing my dress down, "I-I-I'm going to be sick."_

_And with those words I rush into the bathroom._

ooo

I decide to hide myself in my room for the rest of the day.

The evening quickly approaches and I know what that means. Only the thought of it makes me cringe.

I hate it.

But that's the right thing to feel. I am not supposed to feel anything other than disgust. I'm sleeping with Professor Snape, for god's sake. I can't even imagine feeling anything close to pleasure.

Why am I even thinking about it? Obviously, I'm spending too much time with Ginny. Her crazy ideas are starting to affect me.

ooo

I hear someone banging on the doors and it startles me.

Without thinking I run out of my room, "Who is it?" I yell as I reach the doors.

"Hermione!" Harry's voice.

I unlock the doors and open them, "What's the matter?"

"Hurry! They're fighting!"

I do not need to ask questions. I know exactly who he is referring to.

ooo

I somehow make my way through the crowd. Someone pushes me and I almost fall to the floor, but manage to stay on my feet as I reach the two of them.

Ron and Professor Snape.

They are fighting in the hallway, not caring there are students watching them.

"...Azkaban. You are not allowed on school ground," Snape says, his voice dripping with venom.

"Says who? You cannot prevent me from returning here and finishing my education."

"Are you willing to bet you life on it?"

I stand in the middle, "Stop it, both of you!"

"Granger, step aside," Snape warns me.

"No, I will _not_ step aside."

"Hermione," Ron starts, "This isn't my fault. He saw me and just attacked."

I look at Snape and notice he is holding his wand. Why is he holding his wand? Did he intend to curse Ron?

"I am a teacher here and it is my duty to prevent trespassing. You are no longer a student here, Mr. Weasley."

Ron raises his eyebrows, "You are wrong, Professor. I _am_ a student here."

"Oh, now you are a liar too?" Snape asks.

I turn to look at him, "He's not lying. He's back to finish his last year."

Silence.

Snape's face hardens, "And who has allowed that?"

"Professor McGonagall," I answer quietly.

I can see he is not pleased by that. In fact, he seems really angry.

"We will see about that," he replies and storms off.

Anger shoots through me as I face the students that are watching, "Don't you all have an elsewhere to be?"

I am sick and tired of scenes like this.

I try to walk away, but Ron grabs my arm, stopping me, "He started it, Hermione. I swear."

"Ronald! Grow up, will you?" with that I pull my arm out of his grip and leave.

ooo

I wait for him in the living room. It's dark already and I know his conversation with McGonagall has to be finished by now. He's probably in his classroom, being angry.

Finally he comes home.

_Home?_

Are his dungeons my home now?

He only looks at me, not saying anything.

"I found out today," I speak, breaking the silence, "I don't like it either, but...we can't do anything about it."

"Shall we go to my bedroom?" he asks, completely ignoring the whole 'Ron' problem.

After a minute of awkward silence, "Fine," I nod, standing up.

ooo

It's always the same.

I wait on the bed while he's in the bathroom, doing God knows what. I suspect he takes a few potions to make him able to...do what he needs to do.

When he finally leaves the bathroom, I look up at him, opening my mouth to speak, but decide against it.

"What is it?" he demands, raising his eyebrow.

"Nothing."

"Granger."

Silence.

"Granger, we do not have the time for this."

"We have the whole night."

"I would like to get it over with as soon as possible.

Again, I look up at him, "Why...why do we never take our clothes off?"

He tenses up, it is obvious he did not expect that kind of a question.

"I..." he starts, "It's...easier."

"Is it?"

"Yes."

I swallow hard, "Well, it makes me feel...cheap."

He is uncomfortable, "Do we need to have this conversation?"

"Yes, we do. I...I want something to change," I sound really pathetic, don't I?

He looks at me cruelly, "What did you expect? Roses on the bed? Cuddling?"

"A kiss."

Did I really just say that?

He's silent.

Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything.

"I do not _kiss_, Miss Granger," he finally speaks, his voice hard.

"Is it wrong that I want to be kissed? Even if you don't feel anything for me. I don't want to feel so...used everytime we..."

"I do not kiss," he repeats.

"Is this how it's going to be until the end?"

He nods.

I run a hand through my hair, "I don't want it to be. I want..."

"Granger, I do not wish to discuss such things."

_"I'm dying. I want to feel loved or at least respected. I want to make the best of the months I've got left,"_ those are the words inside my head.

But all I am capable to say is, "Fine."

He takes a deep breath, "The contraceptive you drank last night should last for two days."

I gather my courage and stand up, "Would you consider...doing things a bit differently if I...reveal the real reason for marrying you?"

He crosses his arms over his chest, interest painted on his face.

"Would you?" I ask again.

He narrows his eyes at me, "What exactly is it that you want from me?"

I blush a bit, "I want...something has to change."

"Do you wish to.._.make love_?" he spits the last two words out, "I am not capable of that, Miss Granger."

"I didn't mean...just...everything is so cold and clinical."

"As it should be. I am a teacher. You are a student. If it were anything other than cold, it would be wrong."

I look down, feeling defeated.

He is right.

But why do I want things to change?

"However," he speaks again and my eyes meet his, "I will take your offer up for a consideration. Tomorrow."

"I...I can't _tell_ you. You'll have to figure it out yourself."

"Granger - "

"Just read through the whole Law and you'll figure it out. I'm sure," I turn away from him and sit on the bed.

He approaches me, turns the lights off and we do our duty.

ooo

I decide to skip breakfast the next morning, but then I see him in the kitchen. For some strange reason I feel drawn to him.

"Morning," I say as I enter.

The look he gives me, sends chills down my spine.

What have I done wrong now?

"Sir?"

He lowers the paper he was reading and I notice it's not the Daily Prophet. It's the letter we all got. The Marriage Law.

My throat closes up. Has he figured it out?

Finally he speaks, "I have to admit, you almost fooled me. But I knew something is wrong."

He knows.

Oh God, he knows.

"I read through the Law, just as you suggested," he says, "And there was one clause that got my attention. You know which one I am talking about, don't you?"

I'm shaking now.

Slowly he stands up, "Something about if one spouse dies, the remaining one is not required to marry again. He or she would be free of the Law. Is that what you wanted me to see?"

"Y-Yes."

I couldn't say it out loud, he had to figure it out himself.

I expected pity on his face.

Shock.

But not anger and hate and disgust.

"I understand it now," he continues, "The mystery, the strange obsession with marrying me, an old man."

Where is this conversation going?

He approaches me, his voice barely above a whisper, "I am sorry to disappoint, Miss Granger, but I am not planning on dying anytime soon. That means you are going to be stuck with me for a while."

I freeze.

What?

"How cunning of you," he adds, "Almost as if you were a Slytherin."

And then he walks away, leaving me alone.

No.

No. No. No.

He misunderstood everything.

What have I done?

**A/N: The only way to fix things is to tell him the truth. ;) Thank you for reading!**


	11. Chapter 11

**~ chapter 11 ~**

He has been ignoring me for the past two days now. I have tried talking to him but he would just send me away, not even looking at me. And I am not even trying anymore. I could let him think what he thinks. I would rather have him thinking I'm manipulative then know that I'm weak and dying. Even if that means he won't say anything to me in the future.

If only he could leave me alone in class as well.

"Miss Granger, I highly doubt your potion is finished," he says, looking up from his desk.

"It's not, Sir," I answer.

Neville is becoming nervous beside me, it's his potion as well. We have to work in pairs and Neville asked if he could be my partner. I feel sorry for him, he didn't know I don't feel like doing anything today.

Snape stands up, "Then why are you staring off into space?"

What can I say?

"I'm sorry, Sir, I'll get right on it," I mumble and try to pull myself together.

"If you are not up to the task, you should have stayed in your room," he replies slowly, "But since you have decided to grace us with your presence, I expect you to show willingness to work. Like everybody else."

"Yes, Sir," I force out.

Finally he seems to let it go as he walks over to another student, commenting on his potion.

"Hermione, are you alright?" Neville whispers.

"It's just been a really bad day," I admit, "Or bad _couple_ of days."

He shakes his head, "It'll get even worse if we don't get this potion right."

I take a deep breath, "Alright, where were we?"

Looking down at the textbook, I scan the list of ingredients quickly, trying to memorize them.

"You are not entirely yourself," Neville says, "What if I try to finish the potion this time?"

"That's really nice of you, but I have to help too," I answer, not really looking at him.

_...after the water boils add two slices of..._

_...stir clockwise..._

"No, Hermione, really, I got it," Neville insists.

And then it happens.

Something explodes and the force pushes me to the ground.

I cough a few times, there is smoke everywhere. Students are panicking. I can hear noise and then someone yelling.

Slowly, I try to pull myself up from the floor, my eyes burning, making it very difficult to see straight.

"Mr. Longbottom!" an angry voice cuts through all the panic.

"S-Sir, I'm sorry, I don't know what happened..."

Neville is still on the floor, probably too afraid to stand up.

Snape makes his way to us, rolling his eyes at the sight of scared Neville, "Do get up, Mr. Longbottom."

And then he turn his attention to me, "Are you hurt? What happened?"

"I'm fine," I answer, blinking a few times.

My eyes are watery and burning.

"You are not fine," Snape concludes, turning to Neville, "And you?"

"F-Fine, Sir. Hermione was standing closer to it when it...exploded."

"I see. Take Miss Granger to the Hospital Wing."

I protest, "No, there's no need for that."

His voice leaves no room for arguments, "A potion exploded in your face. You are going to the Hospital Wing."

I am sick and tired of hospitals and doctors and medicine. But I can't tell him that.

So I only nod, making my way out of the classroom.

Neville follows, "I'm really sorry, Hermione. I-I don't know what happened."

I hear Snape's voice to other students as we leave the room, "What are you waiting for? The show is over. Continue."

ooo

_I am having trouble sleeping. It's three o' clock in the morning and I'm still in our living room, drinking tea and trying to read. But no matter how hard I try I simply cannot concentrate. The words are there, but they make no sense in my head. My mind is somewhere else entirely. It's frustrating._

_The nights are the worst. It seems as if all the dark thoughts decide to come out and torture me with horrible images._

_Images of death._

_Dying._

_Funerals._

_Afterlife._

_Is there an afterlife?_

_Or will I just stop existing and that's it?_

_Then I hear something._

_Voices._

_Noise._

_I slowly stand up, looking around. I grab my wand, feeling a bit safer with it. It's been almost three months since the end of the War, but I can't help but flinch at every unusual sound._

_I listen for a few minutes and realize it's coming from his bedroom. What is he doing?_

_Should I go and check?_

_No, probably not._

_But then my legs are moving and before I even know what I'm doing I'm standing in front of the doors to his bedroom._

_"Sir?" I whisper._

_Nothing._

_I should just turn around and walk away._

_But then I hear him again._

_He's...fighting with someone._

_Is he?_

_Not even bothering to knock, I push the doors open and enter, ready to face whatever or whoever is there._

_But there's only Snape._

_He's asleep in his bed._

_Is he having a nightmare?_

_I approach the bed, tensing up as I see him moving his head, his lips moving. There's sweat on his face and he seems...terrified._

_It's wrong, I know, but I sit beside him on the bed._

_"Professor? Wake up."_

_He doesn't._

_So I touch his face lightly, "Sir?"_

_He calms down and slowly opens his eyes._

_At first there is confusion on his face and then suddenly he jerks away from me._

_"What the hell are you doing here?" he snaps, sitting up._

_"I-I heard you and ..."_

_"And you thought you have the right to invade my privacy?"_

_I stand up, moving away from the bed, "I only wanted to help. I heard you all the way to the living room."_

_"You could have put a silencing spell on my room. Problem solved."_

_Why is he so aggressive towards me?_

_"You were having a nightmare," I say._

_"None of your business."_

_Then I notice he is only wearing his black pants and I blush immediately. Even though we have been married for a few weeks by now, I still have not seen him topless. Until now._

_I quickly turn around, "I-I'll just leave now."_

_"Good idea," he replies._

_"I'm really sorry, Sir," I quickly say._

_"Wait."_

_I stop and turn to face him again._

_He speaks again, "I have a piece of advice for you, Miss Granger."_

_What?_

_"Yes?"_

_His eyes turn cold, "Stop trying to help me."_

_I tense up, then nod._

_If he only knew._

ooo

I have decided to have dinner in the Great Hall with my friends. Snape does not seem to want my presence, so there is no need to spend more time then necessary in our living quarters.

"I am really sorry," Neville starts again.

"Stop apologizing, I told you it's no big deal," I reply, "You heard what Madam Pomfrey said. There was no serious damage."

"But it could have been," he insists.

"What actually happened?" Ron asks from across the table.

I try to keep my face normal, even though it is strange having him back at school. Things have changed and he can't expect everything to be just the way it was before.

"Um, I don't really know," I answer calmly, "I was reading the instructions and it just exploded."

"I-I don't even know what I added to it," Neville admits, "Professor Snape was looking at us and I panicked."

"He still has that kind of an effect on you?" Harry asks, raising his eyebrows.

Neville blushes a bit, "He's_ Snape._"

I laugh under my breath, but luckily nobody notices.

"So, where will you be spending the holidays?" Ginny looks at me, "Harry's already agreed to spend it with us."

I freeze, not knowing what to say. I want to spend it with my family, but that is out of the question. The Weasleys were my second option, but now I'm not so sure. Ron will be there as well and it could just complicate things.

"Come on, Hermione," Ginny insists, "You don't want to spend those cold days down in the dungeons all alone," then she pauses for a moment, "Would _he_ even let you leave for the holidays?"

I shake my head, "That's not the problem. He does not mind me going anywhere."

I can see Ron tense, he does not like the subject of our conversation.

"Then you are coming with us," Ginny smiles, "Mum will be so happy to have us all back. Together."

"I don't know," I sigh, "I'll think about it."

Spending the holidays in the cold dungeons with a cold person does not sound like fun at all.

ooo

It's weekend again.

Trying to make the best of it, I convince Ginny to accompany me as I visit the Diagon Ally.

I need new clothes. Anything with long sleeves and a few turtlenecks. There are more and more spots on my body and using a glamour everyday is becoming tiresome.

Just as we are about to enter a first shop a child approaches us.

"You are Hermione Granger, War Heroine," he asks, a big smile on his face.

I look at Ginny, then back at the child, "Yes, I'm Hermione."

The boy has to be seven or eight years old.

"I can't wait to tell my friends I saw you," he continues.

Ginny kneels down to him, "And do you know who I am?"

The body seems confused, "I'm not sure. Aren't you Harry Potter's girlfriend? Is Harry Potter here as well?"

I laugh and Ginny simply rolls her eyes, "Where is your mother?"

The boy points at the woman standing a few feet away, waving at him to come back.

"Off you go," Ginny says and he quickly runs back to his mother.

I have been recognized many times, even asked for an autograph, but I've never meet a child who knew who I am.

"I helped in the War as well, you know?" Ginny protests, "And people recognize me only as the Boy-who-lived's _girlfriend_."

A laugh escapes me and I grab Ginny's arm, pulling her into the shop.

ooo

"So does he give you money? Or...?" Ginny asks as we leave the shop, carrying a few shopping bags.

"No. I mean, he offered, but I can't take money from him."

"Why not? You are his wife."

I grimace, "It's complicated. I have my own money, not a lot of it, but enough to be independent."

And then suddenly someone grabs me from behind. I drop my shopping bags, but before I can grab my wand something is pushed into my back.

"Do not say a word," a voice whispers into my ear.

I freeze.

Looking over to Ginny, I realize she is in the same situation. Her attacker is wearing black robes and I recognize the person. It's one of the Death Eaters that have been on the run.

"My wand is pressed into your back," my attacker whispers, "Do as I say or you will die."

I look around, my eyes screaming for help, but no one notices what is happening.

"We are going to take a walk," the man says to me and then pushes me forward, forcing me to move.

ooo

I know where they are taking us.

Knockturn Alley.

Finally we reach a dark corner and the man releases me, pushing me to the ground. The other man does the same thing with Ginny. We both quickly pull ourselves up.

"Let her go and I won't fight you," I speak, looking at the both of them.

One of them laughs, "I would not advise you to fight us if you know what is good for you."

"Someone probably saw us in the Diagon Alley. The authorities have been alerted by now," Ginny says, her voice angry, "Let us go."

"I think not," he grins, "The Dark Lord is dead and there is nothing left for us to do...besides revenge. The front story in the Daily Prophet. The War Heroine and her sidekick found dead in the streets of the Knockturn alley."

I look at the wand in his hands.

Mine is in my pocket. If only I could pull it out without him noticing.

"You wand, please," he speaks as if reading my mind, "Both of you."

I grit my teeth together, "No."

"Wands, now," he raises his voice.

We both just stand there, not moving.

I will not give him my wand. He is going to kill me either way.

Our behaviour does not please them and one of them flicks his wand at me. A large cut appears on my stomach and I cry out at the sudden pain. And then I decide to take a risk. I push myself to the ground, holding my stomach, pretending to be in great pain.

Ginny kneels down next to me, "Hermione?"

I use that moment to quickly pull my wand out of my pocket.

It all happens in less than a second.

I fire a curse at them, but they deflect it. Then Ginny pulls her wand out as well.

Curses are flying everywhere.

"Stupefy!" Ginny and I scream at the same time.

And it works.

Both attackers fall to the floor.

Are we safe?

I don't allow myself to relax too soon, "Ginny, send for help!"

ooo

Adrenaline.

I have not felt like this since the Battle.

The feeling when your life is in danger.

The feeling when you know you can end someone else's life.

I'm back at Hogwarts, sitting in McGonagall's office, but my heart still has not calmed down. And even though there is a blanket covering me, I still feel cold.

"They have been taken away for questioning," Minerva explains, a worried expression on her face, "This is what we have been afraid of. Random attacks."

"It was not random," I say, "I think they were expecting us there. They've probably been following us, _me_, for quite some time now."

"You are safe now," she assures me, "You can go to your quarters or you can wait for Miss Weasley. She is still being questioned."

"She knows as much as I do," I whisper, trying to feel normal again.

I flinch as someone bursts into room.

"'Mione, are you alright?" Ron asks, shock on his face, "What happened?"

I stand up, facing him. I am too tired to explain everything to him too. I have spent the last half an hour answering every question possible and all I want now is to go to sleep.

"Mr. Weasley, shouldn't you be with your sister?" Minerva asks, noticing how tired I am.

"I was with her and she sent me here," he answers, "Are you alright, Hermione?"

I pull the blanket tighter around me, "I'm fine. I just...want to go to my room. You understand, right?"

He's a bit hurt, but smiles, "Of course."

I nod, "Well...good night."

Quickly, I make my way down to the dungeons.

I almost collapse on the sofa in the living room, pulling the blanket away from my body.

Just as I am about to close my eyes and rest for a moment I hear steps.

"Granger."

It's Snape.

He's standing in the doorway, a bit out of breath. Was he running?

"What are you doing here?" he demands, moving closer to me, "Why aren't you in the Hospital Wing?"

"Because I don't need to be there," I reply, brushing the hair out of my face.

"How did it happen?" he asks, "I have been looking for you ever since I was informed about the attack."

"Ginny and I were in the Diagon Alley and they just attacked, threatening us and taking us to a dark corner in the Knockturn Alley."

"What happened there?"

"We refused to give them our wands and somehow I got a hold of mine and..."

"You are bleeding," he suddenly comments, cutting me off.

"What?" I follow his gaze and notice that cut on my stomach.

I have completely forgotten about it.

And no one else noticed it.

"Why hasn't anybody taken care of that?" he demands, "How did it happen?"

"A cutting Curse, I think. Nothing serious, it was just meant to scare me."

Snape clears his throat, "Let me take a look at it."

I open my mouth to protest, but his expression tells me it's either him or the Hospital Wing.

Sighing, I lean back and pull my shirt up.

Snape walks over to his cabinet, taking out two little vials. When he returns he sits on the table across from me. I look down at myself. The shirt is dirty and there is blood on it. Disgusting. So I quickly unbutton it, taking it off and throwing it at the floor. I don't ever want to see it again.

I'm still wearing my sleeveless white undershirt and that too is covered in blood. I can't wait to take a hot shower. I lean back, pulling the undershirt up, revealing a large, but not very deep cut right above my belly buton.

Snape takes a deep breath, opening one small vial and handing it to me.

"Drink this."

I grimace at the sight of green liquid inside it, but I make no comments as I drink it, placing the empty bottle back onto the desk.

I close my eyes, wanting this to be over as soon as possible.

Snape flicks his wand, using a spell to clean the cut. And then I feel his hand on my skin. He has warm hands.

And I can't help but look at his face as he spreads the ointment on my skin. He is concentrating on the task, but I can see he is uncomfortable with what he is doing.

"You have not been eating well lately, have you?" he suddenly asks.

I look down, noticing my ribs are sticking out and it's not a pretty sight.

Feeling the need to change the subject, I take a deep breath, "Sir?" I ask, "I would like to talk to you."

He knows what I mean, "There is no need, Miss Granger."

"You have it all wrong. The law, what you read, you _misunderstood_," I try to explain.

"I disagree," his voice is cold, "But there really is no need to discuss it."

He pulls away from me and I almost protest at the lack of his touch.

"I am not what you think I am," I insist.

"Weasey is back. And do not think I am an idiot. I know he is not back here because of his education."

I bite my lip, not capable of disagreeing.

"Here," he offers me the ointment, "Apply this every morning and it will not leave a scar."

I take the vial from him and then suddenly he grabs my hand, his eyes narrowing in suspicion.

I try to pull my arm away from his grasp, but it's pointless.

"Sir?"

He does not say anything, simply turns my hand so that the inside of my wrist is now visible to him. I freeze. I think my heart stopped for a second. It's there. The dark, purple bruises and the cut I made a long time ago.

All the blood goes in my head as I blush with embarrassment.

"Let go of me," I struggle, desperate to hide my _faults_.

His eyes remain on my damaged skin for a long moment, inspecting it, observing it.

I feel as though I am about to cry.

And then he finally lets go. I press my arm against my chest and quickly wrap a blanket around my body, wanting to hide myself from him.

I just want to run to my room.

Why isn't he saying anything?

His eyes finally meet mine and I see disbelief in them.

"Miss Granger," he starts, his voice calm and slow, "Are you...hurting yourself?"

I feel so ashamed.

I'm _not_ hurting myself. I only did it once and never again after that. And now he's looking at me as if I'm a crazy person that might fall to pieces any moment.

"I-I'm not," I answer.

"That cut is self-inflicted," he says.

"How would you know?" I snap at him, "What if I got cut in...in the Battle? Or...what if it's from when Bellatrix tortured me?"

I feel so pathetic lying to him. Defending myself and trying to hide this disgusting secret of mine.

"Granger, are you still hurting yourself? Tell me."

Now he is acting like a doctor and I hate doctors.

"I'm not hurting myself. I'm not _cutting_ myself," I stand up, "Now I am going to my room and don't worry, I won't try to cut my veins."

Before he has a chance to reply, I storm past him, out of the room.

**A/N: More trouble? More misunderstandings? ;) Keep reading. Thank you. **


	12. Chapter 12

**~ chapter 12 ~**

I'm avoiding him. After the previous night's events the last thing I want is to see him and face his accusations. Why does he even care? I liked it much better when he was simply annoyed by me, not really caring why or what I was doing. What changed?

I do not want him to ask questions.

That's why I've been hiding in my room for the half of the day. Now I'm deciding if it is safe to come out. It probably is. He has classes, doesn't he?

Taking a deep breath I walk out of my room, looking around.

He's not here.

I visibly relax.

But...what am I doing? It's not like I can avoid him forever. Sooner or later I will have to face him. And how am I going to explain my absence from class?

Then an idea pops into my head.

Of course. The aftershock of yesterday's attack. No one would blame me.

Just as I am about to make my way to the kitchen I hear a knock on the door.

It's not him. Why would he be knocking?

But then who is it?

Tensing up, I walk over to the doors, biting my lip in the process.

"Who is it?" I call out.

"It's me, Mione."

Ron.

I quickly unlock the doors, opening them.

"Ron? What are you doing here?" I can't hide the shock on my face.

He does not even wait for an invitation, he just walks past me into the room.

"I was worried, why aren't you in class?" he asks.

That catches me a bit off guard. I was not expecting him, or anyone else for that matter.

"I-I just needed to rest...after yesterday," I finally answer.

"Do you need anything? I can stay here if you want."

"Don't you have classes?" I raise an eyebrow at him.

He smiles, "You are more important."

Making my way past him, I laugh, "Even food is more important to you, Ronald."

He follows me into the living room and we sit down. I tense up when he moves closer to me,_ too close_ for my liking.

"Does Snape know you are here?" I ask.

"No."

"He is not going to be glad if he finds out."

Annoyance shows on his face, "What? Aren't you allowed to have your friends over? Is he too controlling? Does he order you around? 'Cause if he - "

"Ron, stop it. He is not like that at all."

That does not make him any less angry, "You can tell me if he treats you badly, you know that?"

I take a deep breath, "He _would_ have a problem with my ex-boyfriend visiting me. As would any other normal husband."

That's a lie. Snape's not a normal husband. And the only reason he would be angry to find Ron here is because he dislikes him, it would have nothing to do with jealousy.

"I am here only as a friend," he smiles, "Harry sends me, actually. And Ginny. They're both worried about you. They said you've been acting strange ever since school started."

I quickly stand up, "Would you like something to drink? Tea?"

"Hermione, I'm good. I just want to talk to you."

Talk? Not good.

"I um...I actually have some work I need to do...right now and Snape's going to be back soon and - "

Ron stands up as well, "He's got classes for another couple of hours, calm down."

"What if he comes back sooner?"

"So what if he does? We're not doing anything forbidden."

I remain silent, biting my lower lip. I just want him to go and leave me alone.

"You're still angry at me for...leaving and everything else?" he asks.

Silence.

"I understand if you are."

I sigh, "It was...wrong of you to react the way you did."

"I was shocked," he admits.

I can slowly feel anger growing inside of me, "It's not like you were serious about us. People kept seeing you with different girls, Ron. I know all about that."

"I was stupid!"

"And now you've grown up? In a couple of months you've changed?"

"Yes!"

I force myself to calm down, "Look, Ron, it's better you just leave."

He does not say anything to that and I refuse to look at him. If we keep talking it is going to result in a big fight. I still have issues with him being so popular with girls after the war and he is still angry at me for marrying Snape. It's better we just go our separate ways.

And before I even realize what is happening, he grabs my shoulders and presses his lips to mine.

For a long second I don't even move.

I can't believe what is happening.

And then I push him away with all my strength.

"What the hell are you doing?" I shout at him, "Are you insane?"

"I-I'm sorry, Hermione. I just...I..." he seems confused.

"Leave!" I demand.

He's silent.

"Go!"

Finally he moves, almost running past me and out of the dungeons.

Oh God.

I knew it was a bad idea for him to return to school.

_ooo_

_Tears are running down my face. I can barely breathe, my chest is hurting from sobbing so hard. But I can't stop it. It's a ritual of mine. Once a week I allow myself to cry and let out everything I feel._

_I'm going to die._

_Is it going to hurt?_

_Or will it be like falling asleep?_

_I miss my parents._

_I'm afraid._

_My whole body is shaking with violent sobs and I realize I need to calm down because it's becoming difficult for me to breathe._

_"Granger?"_

_I freeze._

_"Granger?"_

_I turn around, noticing him standing in the doorway, a shocked expression on his face._

_"W-What are you doing here?" I ask, desperately wiping my tears away._

_He was not supposed to come back until the late afternoon. That's why I took the privilege of crying in the living room._

_He finally speaks, clearing his throat first, "I forgot something."_

_He does not seem to be able to tear his eyes away from me. I can't blame him. I'm a mess._

_What now?_

_He's caught me. I can't think of anything to say to explain myself._

_"Has...something happened?" he asks, standing completely still._

_I shake my head._

_"Then...what is the matter?"_

_I shake my head again._

_"Granger."_

_Silence._

_Finally I speak, "I was just...sad."_

_"Sad?"_

_I nod._

_"You were drowning yourself in your tears."_

_"I'm sorry - "_

_"Do not apologize to me," he interrupts me._

_I tense up, "It won't happen again."_

_He is looking at me strangely. He wants answers from me._

_"Your behavior is not normal," he comments, eyeing me carefully._

_I am not normal._

_"You're not my Doctor," I snap at him._

_His eyes widen in surprise._

_Why did I say that? What was I thinking?_

_"I-It won't happen again," I quickly say before he has a chance to reply and almost run to the comfort of my room._

ooo

I look around the Hospital Wing, making sure no one is listening.

Then I lean over to Madam Pomfrey, "What did you say?"

The medi-witch seems uncomfortable, "He has been asking about you."

"When?"

"This morning."

I tense up, "Why?"

She gives me a hard look, "That is something _you_ should know, girl."

I know Madam Pomfrey is against me hiding my disease from Snape, but she is not allowed to tell him anything. That is probably the reason behind her snappy remarks at me.

"What exactly was he asking about me?" I whisper.

"Your health, if you have any problems, the real reason why you fainted a couple of days ago," she quickly answers.

"The real reason?" I repeat.

She nods, "He does not believe it was because you were tired. He is decided to find out what is wrong with you and I guarantee you he will find out."

I grit my teeth together, "He won't. I won't let him."

Madam raises her eyebrow at me, "Well, good luck with that. Now off you go, I've got lots of work."

"Wait!" I stop her, "What did you say to him?"

Silence.

Fear starts to build inside of me, "What did you tell him?"

Finally she looks at me, "Nothing. I lied to him. Just as you asked me to."

I relax a bit, "Thank you."

She says nothing, just hurries away.

ooo

I spent the rest of the day in the library, pretending to read. The truth was I had too many things on my mind to concentrate on the words.

Why is Snape losing his time and trying to gather information about me? Is it because he is a controlling person and can't handle the fact that I'm hiding something from him? He is not letting the issue go, even if it's none of his bussiness.

And then Ron. I don't think I ever want to see him again. What was he thinking kissing me like that? Why is he complicating things? Even though there is nothing between Snape and I, we are still married and Ron should respect that.

And the Death Eaters. What happened yesterday could happen anytime I decide to visit the Diagon Alley. What now? Am I supposed to spend the rest of my life in the dungeons? I don't want that. I _won't_ do that.

It's already dark outside when I finally decide it's time to return to the dungeons and get into bed. Sneaking around has never been something I was any good at. I try to make as little noise as possible as I enter the dungeons, making my way through the dark living room. Why is it dark, anyway? He's probably not home yet.

Just as that thought crosses my mind, the lights turn on.

"It's late, don't you think?"

A gasp escapes me and I turn to face him.

I need a few moments to regain my breath.

He simply raises his eyebrow, waiting for me to calm down.

"What...what are you doing?" I ask.

"I am waiting for you."

"Why?"

"I wish to talk to you."

I move towards my bedroom, "I-I just want to go to sleep."

"Please."

Please?

He said _please_?

That is not something he does on many occasions. And that is exactly why it catches my attention.

"What do you want to talk about?" I ask.

"Can we continue this in the kitchen?"

A sigh of defeat escapes me, "Fine."

I walk over to him and he moves aside so I can enter the kitchen. I quickly sit down, waiting for him.

He's moving very slowly, it seems as if every move is planned and that makes me nervous. Does he have something up his sleeve?

He turns to face me, not sitting down, "I would like to discuss yesterday's events."

I tense up, "There is nothing to discuss. You misunderstood everything."

"Did I?"

"Yes, you did."

He nods, pouring himself a cup of tea, "Would you like some?"

I shake my head, "No, thank you."

"Are you sure? The conversation is going to take a while."

"Fine," I snap.

Silence.

He hands me the tea, never taking his eyes off of me. I mutter a quick_ thank-you._

Silence again.

I want this conversation to be over as soon as possible, so I look at him, "What do you want to know?"

The words make their way out of his mouth very slowly, "Why are you hurting yourself?"

I roll my eyes, "I'm not hurting myself."

"Then how did you get those cuts on your arm?"

Well, he's jumping right in, isn't he?

"I cut myself in the...kitchen."

"You do not cook."

"How would you know?"

He sighs, clearly annoyed, "That cut was on the inside of your wrist. Be honest, Miss Granger."

I start to shake, taking the cup of tea in my hand and bringing it to my mouth. I try to think of an answer as the hot liquid runs down my throat.

"Well?" he asks, looking at me strangely now.

I place the cup back on the table.

"Why did you cut your wrist?"

"Because I needed to do something to...release the pressure otherwise I'd go mad."

My eyes open is shock. What did I just say?

"Why would you go mad?"

"Because I'm a horrible person, lying to everyone and pretending and I'm so alone and afraid and - " I cover my mouth with my hand, standing up so fast I accidentally push the chair to the floor.

Snape stands up as well, but he is calm, "What are you lying about?"

I bite down hard onto my tongue, tasting the blood in my mouth.

He asks another question, "Why did you marry me?"

I shake my head, trying desperately to remain silent.

"Answer me," he demands, "Why did you marry me?"

I panic, smacking the cup of tea in front of me, causing it to spill all over the table.

And then I run.

I run to the safety of my room where there is no one to hear my dark secrets.

ooo

It's very early in the morning when I finally decide to leave my room.

But what I did not expect was to find him in front of my doors.

My eyes go wide in surprise and I try to shut the doors in his face, but he prevents it, keeping them open with his left hand.

"We need to talk," he says.

I'm silent, almost too afraid to speak. I'm pressing my lips together, not allowing words to escape.

"You can talk. The effects have worn off by now," Snape explains, slowly lowering his hand and moving away from the doors.

I slowly nod, then anger takes over me, "You drugged me."

"You could hardly call it - "

"You put Veritaserum into my tea! That's _illegal_!"

He raises a brow, "And what are you going to do? Report me?"

I send him a furious glare, "I should."

"Well good luck explaining to them why have we been using a contraceptive potion."

Is he blackmailing me?

"Bastard," I whisper and he tenses up.

"There are other methods I could have used. _Legilimency_."

"Why haven't you?"

"Because," he responds, "I do not want to know _everything_. I only wish to get an honest answer to a few of my questions."

I remain silent.

He shouldn't have done that. No matter how he tries to justify it, it's still wrong.

A short laugh escapes me, "Why do you think you have the right to demand such answers?"

"I am your husband."

"Oh, _now_ you're my husband."

"Granger."

"And what about you? There are lots of things I do not know about you. Where do you go late at night? Do you have...lovers? Are you cheating? There are many things I'd like to know about you and yet I refrained myself from spicing your morning tea."

He looks ashamed now. But only for a moment.

"Even if I do not have a right as your husband, I do have a right as your teacher to know what is wrong with you."

"Nothing is wrong with me."

Suddenly he approaches me, grabbing my hand and pushing up my sleeve. I struggle against him, but it's pointless.

"Explain this scar and - " he orders, but then stops mid sentence.

I look down at my arm and realize what he's looking at.

There's a huge purple bruise.

Oh god. Not this as well.

"Where did you get that from?" he asks, his voice low.

I try to pull my arm away from him, but he is not letting go.

"Granger, this is your last chance to -"

"From the attack," I quickly force out, "I was attacked two days ago if you've forgotten."

He seems to believe me because he lets go of my arm and I stumble back, clearing my throat awkwardly.

"Just leave me alone," my voice sounds weak, "I don't ask things about you, I don't demand to know everything about you so why can't you do the same?"

After a long moment he nods, "My apologies."

Before I have a chance to reply he leaves.

Is this it?

Is he going to leave me alone from now on?

ooo

It's awkward seeing Ron again.

I can't even look at him. So I keep my head down, taking small bites of the toast in front of me.

"How come you've decided to have breakfast in the Great Hall?" Ginny asks, surprise in her voice.

"I-I just missed you guys," I answer. It's not a lie. I do miss them. But the real reason is I did not want to be alone with Snape.

Harry moves closer, "Is everything alright? With you and...Snape, I mean?"

I nod, still not looking up from my plate.

I can feel Ron's eyes on me and it annoys me to no end. This, _us hanging out together_, is not going to work. I just need to put a stop to it before something bad happens.

"Uh, Hermione?" Ginny whispers, "He keeps looking at us."

"Who?"

"Snape."

I raise my head, looking over at the table where the staff is sitting and he really is looking at me. Directly into my eyes. What does he want now?

"Mione," Ron starts, interrupting my thoughts, "I was wondering if you could help me with the homework we had - "

"No," I cut him off, "I will not help you. You could try and do your own homework for once."

Both Harry and Ginny lean away from me as if afraid I might do something to them.

Ron does not know what to say, it's obvious he did not expect my outburst.

To be honest, neither did I.

What is wrong with me?

I can't stand the questions in their eyes, the surprise and shock and worry on their faces. Letting out an angry sigh, I stand up and make my way out of the Great Hall.

ooo

I empty my stomach into the toilet and when I'm sure there is nothing left inside of me, I move away, leaning on the wall.

Funny.

These past couple of days I felt good. I almost forgot that I'm sick.

I guess my body will never let me forget.

ooo

I could get used to this. Having classes in the morning, then spending the rest of my day at home, enjoying the silence and...Firewhiskey. Am I turning into an alcoholic? A laugh escapes me at that ridiculous thought.

I have a right to drink if I want to. No one would judge me if they knew what I have to go through every day.

I lay down onto the sofa, closing my eyes for just moment.

Snape did not hide the Firewhiskey like he said he would. He probably did not expect me to get drunk again. Well, his mistake.

I realize how I am going to feel like in a couple of hours, but at the moment I feel good, relaxed and almost happy. There are no worries on my mind and I'm thankful for that. Alcohol really does have a few useful qualities.

I laugh again.

And then I hear him. Footsteps.

I sit up, trying to look serious.

He walks into the room, barely acknowledging me, "Why is it so dark in here?"

Silence.

He takes off his long cloak, then stops and looks at me, "Granger?"

"I-I just felt like..."

"Sitting in the dark?" he finishes the sentence for me.

"Something like that, yes."

I can feel the change in his attitude.

Slowly, he walks over to me, "Granger. Have you been drinking?"

I nod, a smile on my face.

"What is the matter with you?" he hisses, pulling out his wand and waving it at the bottle of Firewhiskey, making it disappear.

"I'm of age, just so...just so you know."

"Yes, and getting drunk is very mature," his voice is dripping with sarcasm, "I expected much more from you."

That gets to me. Everyone is expecting something from me. I always have to be the best at everything and I just can't do it anymore.

"Where were you?" I snap at him, "Out with one of your whores?"

I have never used language like this before.

It's dark, but I can still see the anger in his eyes.

"You will go to your room, _now_," he orders.

"No," I reply, raising my eyebrows at him.

"_Yes_."

"Make me."

He grits his teeth together, obviously annoyed.

"This is like dealing with a child," he growls.

"I'm not a child!"

"Then stop acting like one."

"I...I'm not," it does not sound really convincing.

_Am_ I acting childish?

Suddenly I feel the need to prove him wrong.

"I'm not a child."

He sneers at me.

"I'm not!" I try again, "I-I've kissed."

"Yes, I would know that," he almost rolls his eyes.

"Not you. Ron."

He freezes, but then relaxes slightly, "What you did with him in the past does not concern me."

"No, no. Not in the past. Yesterday."

Silence.

"What did you say?" he finally speaks.

"He came here and we talked and he _kissed_ me. We kissed."

He does not say anything to that.

Nothing.

"Come," he offers me his hands, "I will help you to your room."

"I don't need your help," I bark at him, standing up.

Why is he always so calm? I want him to show a bit of emotion, anger, frustration, anything. But he's always so cold and indifferent.

He smells nice. Herbs and -

Wait. What am I thinking?

He is just standing there, no reaction at all.

"Ron kissed me," I say again, desperately wanting him to show he feels something.

"Go to your room."

Before I realize what I'm doing, I grab his robes, raise myself on my toes and press my lips to his. It all happens in less than a second. It's like my touch burns him. Immediately he pushes me away and I trip over something, falling to the floor. I laugh, realizing how absurd this situation is. And then everything goes black.

**A/N: Sorry. That's all I can say. Life got in the way. But I will never abandon this story, so no need to worry. Thank you for reading. ;)**


	13. Chapter 13

**~ chapter 13 ~**

Ouch.

My head hurts.

I think I have a bump. When did _that_ happen?

Groaning, I slowly pull myself up, realizing I'm not in my pajamas. Why didn't I change?

I try to remember the previous day, but it's all blurred. Like trying to remember a dream.

My memory is cloudy.

But one things is certain. My room stinks of alcohol. Actually, _I_ stink of alcohol.

Good job, Hermione.

I take a deep breath, trying hard to bring back the memories of last night. What did I do? More importantly, what did I _say_?

And then I notice a folded piece of paper on my nightstand. For some strange reason it makes me nervous. I reach for it, unfolding it and then I recognize _his_ writing. Elegant and perfect.

_There are some matters that I need to attend to. _

_We will talk when I return._

_S.S._

We will talk? About what? And why?

I look at the window and notice it's snowing outside. A smile forms on my lips and I slowly get up from the bed, ignoring the dizzy feeling in my head.

It's beautiful. Everything is covered in snow. There are students outside. I can see them laughing, playing. And then I remember.

What time is it? I have classes!

I'm probably late already! Everyone is going to ask questions. Again.

Rolling my eyes, I quickly make my way to the bathroom.

ooo

I walk down the hallway, not wanting to miss Transfiguration.

I've missed Potions already and that's enough for the day. Why did he not wake me up?

"Hermione, wait up!" I hear Harry's voice and I stop walking, trying to see him through the crowd. Finally he reaches me, his face worried.

"Where were you?" he asks.

"I-I overslept," I quickly answer, noticing Ron standing a few feet away. He looks at me, then quickly disappears into the crowd.

"What's wrong with Ron?" the question makes its way out of my mouth.

"You should've been there."

"Where?"

"Potions," he answers and we continue walking towards out next class.

Harry continues, "Snape kept picking on him, asking him all these questions, making fun of him. I thought Ron was going to lose it."

I tense up. I knew there would be problems with Ron being back and all, but why would Snape be so childish towards him?

Unless...I told him about...that little incident? Was I really so dumb? Did I tell him Ron kissed me?

Oh God.

Stupid. Stupid. _Stupid_.

I really can't even recognize myself anymore. Getting drunk. Doing stupid things. Snapping at my friends.

I'm quiet for the rest of the day. Not speaking to anyone, just trying to get through the next minute and the next, anxiously awaiting that conversation with Snape.

ooo

_"That is not an option."_

_A sigh of relief escapes me, "So you...don't want to have...children?"_

_"Absolutely not."_

_Well, that is good to hear. I was worried he might want to...not actually want to, but...perhaps not be brave enough to defy the Ministry's commands. Any kind of a manipulation is punished and he knows that._

_"So...how are we going to do it?" I ask, taking a deep breath, "Muggle contraceptives are out of question. They are easily detectable."_

_"I have been thinking about that. There is a potion."_

_I raise my eyebrows, waiting for him to continue._

_"It is still in progress but it will be finished in a couple of days. Then we can...test it."_

_He seems very uncomfortable. He's not even looking at me. What is so interesting about the floor?_

_"Yes, I hope it'll work," I comment quietly, "I really don't want...kids."_

_"We agree on that."_

_"But won't it be suspicious?"_

_"They will find no evidence."_

_"But still - "_

_"A simple explanation will be presented to them."_

_"Yes?"_

_He nods, "It simply was not meant to be."_

_"It wasn't meant to be...meaning, I'm sick or there's something wrong with me in that department or...there is something wrong with you."_

_He tenses up, "That would be more believable. You are young. The chances are that there is something...the matter with me."_

_Well, this is awkward. I'm discussing fertility with Professor Snape._

_I clear my throat, trying to sound relaxed, "And how much time do we have before they start asking questions?"_

_"I believe a year."_

_"A year," I repeat, "And what if the potion does not work?"_

_He gives me a look. A look that says 'Do you know who you are talking to? I'm a Potions Master, of course it will work'._

_"I can happen," I add, "We need a plan B."_

_He sighs, "There are...other things we could do. Natural things. We...I could..." he is really tense now._

_I wait for him to explain, but he simply shakes his head in disapproval, "Hasn't anyone explained...these things to you?"_

_"Not really," I answer, looking down, "I-I have read about it, but - "_

_"Read up on the subject. Educate yourself. I will not be the one explaining it to you."_

_That's funny. He's the only one who is suitable for the job. He is, after all, the one who I have to sleep with._

_I slowly look up at him, noticing he seems really uncomfortable. He basically just suggested to me to read up on sex. Do we have books about that at Hogwarts?_

_Silence._

_Well...is this the end?_

_"I should go...check up on that potion," he says and before I have a chance to reply, he walks away._

ooo

I stand in the crowded hallway, leaning against the wall and thinking. All these students. They have all their life in front of them. They can become whoever they want to. They can travel. And work. And hang out with their friends. And have children. And they don't even realize it. All they worry about are stupid, pointless things like clothes and hair and dating.

"Miss Granger."

I flinch at the voice.

He's standing next to me. How does he do that?

"S-Sir?" I turn to him, noticing the grave expression on his face.

"Follow me," he says and without waiting for a response, he turns and starts walking.

I roll my eyes, but decide to obey.

ooo

We're in an empty Potions classroom.

I lean against a desk, looking around nervously and waiting for him to start. Does he want to talk about last night? What did happen last night? Did I do something embarrassing?

"Sir," I say, "I think I should apologize. I-I don't really know what happened last night, but..."

He cuts me off, crossing his arms over his chest, "Last night I learned that besides all the other problems, you also have a drinking problem."

A short laugh escapes me, "I do not have a drinking problem."

"Is that so?"

"That's just ridiculous."

He is eyeing me carefully, thinking about his next words.

"What...what happened?" I force myself to ask, "What did I do?"

Silence.

"Sir?" I try again, "What did I do?"

"I visited your parents."

My heart stops. I can't even form words.

"This morning. I visited them," he says.

"Y-You...they..._why_?"

He ignores my question, "They do not know anyone named Hermione. They do not have children."

I'm shaking by now, "You already knew that. You knew I Obliviated them."

"I had to see it on my own."

"Why?" I demand, taking a step closer, "What gives you the right?"

"You are hiding something from me. And as your husband, I have a right to know. Whatever you are hiding, it is affecting you. It is affecting _me_."

"It does not concern you!"

"Why did you marry me? Me of all people? Why did you Obliviate your parents? Why are you cutting yourself? Why are you passing out?"

I shake my head, trying to ignore him.

But he continues, his voice accusative and angry, "Secrets, Miss Granger. I do not like them. Especially when they involve me."

My eyes are watering now and I blink a few times, trying to get rid of the tears.

"What did you parents do to deserve what you did to them?" he asks, slowly approaching me, "Did you found out about your cutting habits?"

"I-I can't listen to this!"

"You can and you will."

I look at him, my eyes full of anger, "Do not tell me what to do."

"Do you realize I could use Legilimency on you? Believe me, you would not stand a chance against me. It would only take a moment and I would know _everything_ about you."

"Then why don't you do it?"

"Because I am trying to respect your privacy. I am giving you an option to tell me yourself. Don't you see I am trying to do the right thing, you daft girl?"

"And snooping around my house and harassing my parents is respecting my privacy?" I raise my voice, "Using Veritaserum on me is respecting my privacy?"

He remains silent.

"We are finished here." I say to him.

I turn around, but he grabs my arm, forcing me to face him, "I have done many things I am not proud of, believe me, but I will not apologize for trying to discover what you are hiding."

"I know, killing, torturing. You've done a lot of horrible things," I am trying to hurt him, to make him leave me alone.

Anger shows in his eyes, "Tonight this ends. Either you tell me or I will find out on my own. Do you understand that?"

"Let go of me!" I pull out of his grip and suddenly break into tears.

His expression softens only a bit, he's surprised by my reaction. Even _I_ am surprised. Why can't I remain calm and emotionless?

I just want to escape from him.

Quickly turning around, I run out of the classroom. He's following me, I can hear his footsteps.

It's time for dinner and the hallway is full of students making their way to the Great Hall.

I don't know what I'm doing, I just know I have to get away from them all, away from him. He's still behind me, calling my name. Where can I go? Where would I be alone?

Outside.

I start running faster.

ooo

It's cold.

That's the first thing that comes to my mind when I step outside.

And everything is covered in snow.

It's almost dark and there is not a single soul anywhere around me.

Such silence.

It feels good.

"Miss Granger!"

_No._

I don't know where I'm going, but my legs are moving on their own.

"Granger, where do you think you are going?" he raises his voice, following me.

"Away."

"You are not going to get far and students are not allowed outside - "

"I don't care!"

My shoes are completely soaked and I'm shivering, but I'm still walking.

Where am I going?

"Granger!"

I stop and turn to look at him. He's a bit breathless and I can tell he is not enjoying walking through all the snow.

"Do you realize what you are doing?" he asks, "Your behavior is making me even more determined to find out what you are hiding."

I cry out, "Why can't you just leave me alone?"

He moves closer to me, "Because you _married_ me. You wanted me and now you have me."

"That was obviously a big mistake."

"Obviously."

I hug myself with my arms, trying to get warm.

"Come, lets go inside," he suggests, "We can talk there."

I quickly shake my head, "No, I don't want to talk!"

My whole body is shaking, but I'm determined to stay outside.

He takes a deep breath, "What do you think you are going to achieve with this? The only thing you are going to get is a cold."

"Perhaps I'd die faster that way," I whisper quietly.

"What was that?" he approaches me.

I remain silent.

He grabs my arm, "Granger, we should return."

I try to free myself from him, but I slip and I land in the snow.

How pathetic.

I can't even do one thing right?

I can feel the cold through my clothes.

What did I do to deserve this?

I thought my life is going to be something special. I fought in the War. I was a heroine. I'm smart. I had dreams. I had parents. I had friends.

And now it's all gone.

Why is life so unfair?

There is a hand on my shoulder.

I don't push it away.

It feels comforting.

Slowly, I look up at the person above me.

My husband.

My _husband_.

My Professor.

And he is not going to give up. He demands answers and he will keep demanding them.

"Granger, come."

He wants me to get up, but...I can't.

My face is wet. Am I crying? Again? Pathetic.

"I'm sick," I quietly say, my voice so weak I barely recognize it.

"Excuse me?"

Clearing my throat, I try again, "I'm sick. I have only a few months left to live."

Silence.

Such horrible silence.

I'm afraid to look up at him. I'm afraid of what I'll see on his face.

Why does he not say something?

My eyes are burning and I'm cold. I'm so cold.

Minutes pass in silence.

For a moment I wonder if he even heard me. Did I even say anything? Is it possible it was only in my head?

"Come," he says, offering me his hand.

I stare at it for a couple of seconds, but then I take it and he helps me stand up.

Silence again.

He has warm hands.

Slowly we start walking back to entrance.

ooo

I'm sitting on my bed, staring off into distance.

We haven't spoken a word on our way to the dungeons. He led me to my room and then he left.

Perhaps he won't come back?

Just as that thought forms in my head, he comes back, walking into my room then stopping, looking down at me.

"You should change your clothes."

I know I should. My robes are completely wet, sticking to my skin.

"Aren't you going to ask me anything?" I whisper.

"Ask you what?"

"About what is the matter with me?"

He sighs, "What is the matter with you?"

Silence.

Finally I speak, "Leukemia."

His face grows pale, but that is the only thing that changes. I expected more.

Perhaps...

"Do you _know_ what leukemia is?" I ask.

"I know," he replies, "I _did_ live in the Muggle world."

I nod, looking down at my hands.

After a long minute he sits down next to me, clearing his throat, "Tell me everything."

Alright.

I take a deep breath and then I start talking.

I tell him how I was not feeling well. And how my parents took me to see a Doctor. I tell him about the day I found out I have Leukemia. I tell him about the therapy. I tell him how I started losing my hair and how my condition did not improve. I tell him how I decided to give up and Obliviate my parents.

I tell him everything. Almost everything.

And he remains silent, listening, not once interrupting.

And then I finish. There is nothing more to say.

Silence.

"That clause in the Marriage Law," he starts.

I meet his eyes.

He continues, slowly, "It is _you_. Not me."

I nod.

"And the bruises? The cuts?"

My voice breaks a bit, "The bruises are a result of the illness. And the cuts are..."

"Made by you."

"I'm not cutting myself regularly...it just happened."

Silence.

I'm preparing myself for questions.

Pity.

Anger.

Shock.

But then he simply stands up, "You should really change into something dry and warm."

I open my mouth to speak, but he cuts me off, "It's late. And I need to think. Good night."

What?

He leaves, closing the doors behind him.

Is this it?

That was the reaction I was afraid of?

**A/N: Finally the secret's out! But it's not exactly how Hermione imagined it would be. Thank you for reading. ;)**


	14. Chapter 14

**~ chapter 14 ~**

It feels nice. Not having to carry this burden, not having to pretend anymore. I just realized how much energy it took to hide things and pretend and _lie_. Now that it's out in the open, at least with _him_, I feel like I can breathe much easier.

Although, I still don't know what he thinks of the whole situation. I haven't seen him since last night when he said he has to think. What does that mean? Think about what?

I tense up as I remember something. I haven't told him to keep it to himself. What if he says something to someone? Would he do that?

No.

Of course not.

Right?

ooo

"I'm really sorry, I-I wasn't thinking," Ron whispers, leaning towards me.

I try to keep a calm face, pretending to listen to the lecture.

Really Ron. Could you try to pick more appropriate time to apologize? For example, when we are not surrounded by students? When we are not in the middle of a lesson?

"Mhm," I murmur, looking down at my notes.

"I shouldn't have done that, I don't know what came over me," he continues.

I bite my lower lip in annoyance.

"But Mione, I was wondering...did you tell...Snape?"

I turn to look at him, "Why?"

"He's...he really has something against me."

"He's _always_ had it against you."

"Not like this," Ron whispers, "This time it's different. Ask Harry. It's like I've...stepped on his territory, stolen something of his, touched his possession."

My lips curl up in a small smirk, "Are you afraid of him?"

Ron blushes a bit and leans away from me, "No."

I raise my eyebrow at him, but remain silent.

"Did you tell him?" he asks again.

"I don't...know."

"You don't know?"

"No, I don't," I snap, trying to keep my voice down, "Maybe you should have thought of the consequences before you decided to do what you did."

I turn away from him and he says nothing more.

ooo

_We are having trouble with...performing our duty as husband and wife. Again._

_He's pacing up and down the room while I sit on his bed, not moving._

_"You can...think of someone else, if that'll make it easier for you," I suggest._

_He sends me an angry look, "Thank you very much for the advice, Miss Granger."_

_"I was only a suggestion."_

_"Do me a favor and keep your suggestions to yourself."_

_I take a deep breath, "We need to hurry up. We've only got an hour until midnight."_

_"Don't you think I know that?" he snaps, pinching the bridge of his nose._

_Why is he acting like that? He's behaving as if he is about to be executed. What about me? Does he have any idea how hard this is for me?_

_Finally he looks at me, "Alright."_

_Silence._

_I wait for him to move._

_But he doesn't._

_"Could you stop - " he starts, "Stop being..."_

_"Stop what?"_

_"Stop looking like a child."_

_Silence._

_"I'm not a child," I finally speak, "I'm of age an_d - "

_"You look like a child. Like a student. What do you think how that makes me feel?"_

_I bite my lip, not knowing what to say. I can't change the way I look._

_Wait._

_"Perhaps...a spell? Or a potion?" I ask, "If my appearance is such_ _a problem to you...we can change it."_

_He seems to consider it for a moment, but then he just shakes his head, "No."_

_I stand up, "Why not? If it could help - "_

_"No."_

_"I could...make my hair...red."_

_He looks at me, his eyes completely dark, "What are you trying to say?"_

_"That...I could...change my appearance to be more...appealing to you."_

_"Why red hair?"_

_Should I tell him?_

_"Granger," he warns me, "Answer my question."_

_I take a shaky breath, "I know...I know about her. Harry told me."_

_"Potter told you what?"_

_"About his mother. About Lily."_

_He tenses up._

_"And I understand - "_

_He cuts me off, "Don't."_

_"If you want me to look like her - "_

_Suddenly he grabs my arm, making me cry out in pain, "Stop talking."_

_I shut my mouth, looking up at him with fear. I did not expect that kind of reaction._

_"You will never mention her again. Ever."_

_"I'm sorry - "_

_"You will never mention her again," he repeats, "Understood?"_

_I quickly nod and he finally releases my arm, turning his back to me._

_Can't I do anything right?_

_Then something occurres to me, "What if I...lay on my stomach? So...that way you don't have to look at me and I don't have to look at you?"_

_He turns to look at me, considering it._

_"Yes, that's good. We don't have to look at each other," I explain._

_He seems reluctant, "I do not think you realize - "_

_I interrupt him, "I realize we can't stand to look at each other. And I'm offering a solution."_

_"It is...different."_

_"Yes, I know that."_

_It's a different position. We have never tried a different position._

_Why is he hesitating?_

_"Well?" I ask._

_Finally he gives in, "Alright. It is going to feel... If you wish to stop, only say the word."_

_I nod._

_But I know I won't say anything. We can't stop._

_"Get on the bed," he speaks, his voice cold, "We will begin."_

_And I obey. I don't have a choice._

_And frankly, neither does he._

ooo

He's not at Hogwarts. I've talked to McGonagall and she does not know where he is. He just disappeared.

His behavior is making me nervous. I never expected he would ignore me after he found out. I expected anger, perhaps a bit of pity. But not this.

Where is he?

Perhaps I have given him too much credit. He'd be angry if he _cared_ about me. Only a bit. Obviously, he does not.

Why does that realization make me feel...hurt?

I need to stop being so sentimental.

Wait.

Did something happen to him?

No, it can't be.

He can take care of himself.

ooo

I'm really worried.

I'm in his bedroom, sitting on his bed and waiting. He has to come back.

After two hours of waiting I finally hear something.

Tensing up, I stop breathing, waiting for him to appear.

And he does.

The doors open and he enters, a look of surprise on his face when he sees me on his bed.

A sigh of relief escapes me, "You...where have you been?"

"What are you doing here?" he asks, ignoring my question.

"Waiting for you."

"Why?"

"Because...because I was worried."

He says nothing. He simply stands there, observing me. And then I notice something in his left hand. He's holding some papers.

I meet his eyes, waiting for him to explain.

After a minute he clears his throat and approaches me, "Here," he hands me the papers.

I take it from him, a look of confusion on my face, "What is this?"

"Read it."

Looking down, I unfold the paper.

_Certificate of divorce._

What?

I quickly scan the text in my hands.

_...the final termination of a marital union, cancelling the legal duties and responsibilities of marriage and dissolving the bonds of matrimony between the parties...at-fault divorce...other party had committed an act incompatible to the marriage..._

I stop reading.

Is this really happening?

"You want a divorce?" I whisper.

"I have a valuable reason to do so."

"But..."

"You have hidden information from me. Important information that probably would have affected my decision," he speaks, his voice cold.

I can't breathe.

Is he going to go public with this?

Everyone is going to find out.

The Ministry is going to punish me.

Oh God.

"I believe it is enough to make this marriage invalid."

"Stop it," I whisper, "You can't...you can't do this."

"I can."

I'm panicking.

"But...what will happen to me?" I stand up, throwing the divorce papers to the floor.

He sighs, "Do not worry. After they find out about your condition, they will go easy on you."

"I-I-I don't want them to find out. You can't tell anyone, you can't do this to me!"

"I am only repairing the damage you have done."

Shaking my head, I try to calm down, "Please, I'll do anything."

"Granger, stop it."

I grab his robes, "Please, _please_."

"You need to calm down," he speaks, but I don't listen to him.

Was it all pointless? The marriage? Everything we've been through, all the sacrifices, all the evil rumours...was it all for nothing?

"Granger - " his voice is a bit softer.

I feel something wet on my face.

My nose.

Is that - ?

I wipe the liquid with my hand, noticing it's blood. Turning away from him in shame, I try to compose myself.

My nose is bleeding. It's nothing new, I just don't want him to see me like this.

I try to wipe the blood away, my hands shaking.

Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder. He slowly turns me around and I face him again, looking down at the floor, trying to keep a strong face. I think I'm failing miserably at that.

"Here," he offers me a handkerchief.

I don't move.

"Take it," he says.

I meet his eyes and give in, obeying.

Pressing the material to my nose, I take a step away from him.

He is silent.

"Stop it," I whisper.

"Excuse me?"

"Stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Just stop it," I walk over to his bed, sitting down.

And then a laugh escapes me.

"What exactly do you find so entertaining?" he asks.

"The blood," I answer, "I've been insulted constantly about my blood, how it isn't pure enough, how it isn't worthy. And I've always defended it...and now...it betrayed me. My own blood is betraying me."

Silence.

"You have created quite a mess," he comments after a long moment.

"Please, don't tell anyone. Don't...go through with that," I look at the divorce papers on the floor, "Sir, I promise - "

"Do not make promises."

I ignore him, "I promise to stay out of your way, I won't bother you, I won't annoy you, I - "

"Stop it," his voice cuts through me.

This is it.

There is no way I'll be able to convince him.

A cry escapes me.

He takes a deep breath, "What am I going to do with you, girl?"

That makes me look up at him, "W-What?"

He's having an internal battle, I can see it.

"I will not...go through with the divorce," he speaks and my eyes widen, "If you promise to be honest with me from now on."

"I promise, I promise," I quickly nod.

"Alright, Miss Granger."

I stand up, "Thank you."

He's a bit uncomfortable, "Go to your room. We will talk tomorrow."

I smile, not really sure what to do. So I approach him, giving him a quick and awkward hug and then almost run out of his room.

ooo

I did not expect these kind of questions.

He ordered me to meet him early in the morning.

So now we're in the living room and he's standing above me, looking down at me.

"Who else knows?"

"Umm, Professor McGonagall, Madam Pomfrey and...and that's it."

He nods, "What did you hope to accomplish by marrying me?"

"I wanted to help you," I whisper.

"What was that?"

Clearing my throat, I repeat the answer, "I wanted to help you."

"And what makes you think that I was in need of your help?"

I don't know what to say to that.

"Granger. You do remember your promise?"

I bite my tongue, nodding.

Alright.

"I felt sorry for you, Sir. After everything you did for us...I wanted to make it up to you," I explain, looking down at my hands.

"Always trying to do the right thing. Always trying to help. Even if no one asked you to."

I raise my head, meeting his eyes, "It wasn't just that."

He raises an eyebrow, waiting for me to continue.

"I guess," I start slowly, "I thought I would take the pressure off..for me. Marrying someone who does not care about me, who is not going to get attached and miss me when..." I can't finish that sentence.

"Ron Weasley?" he suddenly asks.

"What about him?"

Snape's eyes turn dark, "I need to know what kind of a relationship you two have."

"There's no...no relationship. I don't think we're even friends anymore."

"Two nights ago I heard something about a _kiss_?"

I gasp, "I-I told you about that?"

"Infidelity is prohibited. I will not be made fool of."

"It's not like that. We're not..._he_ kissed _me_. It was only for a second, _less_ than a second."

Snape approaches me, "Weasely did that? Against your will?"

"I guess, but - "

"Does he have a death wish?"

What?

I stand up, "I-It wasn't like that."

He's angry. Really angry.

"Sir, it was nothing. Really."

Silence.

"I will be needing a sample of your blood," he says, changing the subject.

"What? Why?"

"There are some tests I would like to run."

"No."

"No?"

I shake my head, "I've had enough tests done."

"It was not a request. It was an order."

"You can't order me around."

He simply looks at me. He does not have to say anything and I know what he's thinking. He can blackmail me. He has information that could be used against me.

I can feel anger growing inside of me, "Fine. You will get your sample. Do I have your permission to go to class now, Sir?"

He only nods.

I rush past him.

I'm almost like his toy now.

**A/N: Hope you like the way the story is going! What is Snape planning? ;) Hmm.**


	15. Chapter 15

**~ chapter 15 ~**

I left a small sample of my blood on his nightstand. That was almost two days ago. We have not spoken to each other since he demanded the sample from me. We pass each other on the hallway, I sit silently through his lecture, we avoid each other. But today all this has to end because we are running out of time and we have to perform our duty as husband and wife. Has he forgotten?

I groan, hoping this day would already be over.

"So, just one more week," Ginny says to me, "Have you decided where you'll be spending the holidays?"

It's dinner time and everybody is gathered in the great hall, chatting and eating.

Everyone besides _me_.

"I don't know," I admit, "The holidays are not what they used to be."

"Don't you miss your parents? Perhaps you can spend it with them?"

I tense up, forcing a smile, "Maybe. I just...don't have the time to think about that with all this school work and everything."

"Um, Hermione, don't take this the wrong way, but...you're not trying as hard as you used to and I've noticed your grades have...dropped."

I taka a sip of orange juice to buy some time as I think of an answer.

Ginny continues, "And if you have some problems, you know you can talk to me, right?"

I nod, "Snape is just...getting on my last nerve, that is all."

The redhead laughs and looks down, suddenly very interested by what's on her plate, "Yes, I'll take your word on that one."

And that is all it takes.

I just mention Snape or my relationship with him and everybody goes quiet and distant.

I think I will start using that more often.

ooo

Three more hours untill midnight.

Snape has me seated in our living room while he stands above me, staring at me with that unreadable expression of his.

This is the first contact we have had in two days. He did not even pick on me in class like he always does.

"We need to have a talk," he finally says.

I almost roll my eyes, "I know, you said that in the note you left on my bed."

He nods, then finally starts, "I have done a few tests on your blood."

I sit up straight. There are many things, _questions_ on my mind, but the only word that makes its way out of my mouth is, "Why?"

"I needed to make sure - "

"That I'm not lying?" I cut him off.

"No," he replies, "Of course not."

I cross my arms over my chest, "Then what?"

"I needed to see it for myself. I did notice an abnormal increase of immature white blood cells and - "

I stand up, interrupting him, "Why are you telling me this? I already know everything about it, I've heard it many, _many_ times, by many different people. Doctors, specialists and I'm sick of it. I do not need to hear it from a Potions Master as well."

His face turns cold, "Stop acting like an immature child."

"Stop calling me that."

I can see his jaw tighten, but when he speaks his voice is calm, "I only wished to inform you that I will be running a few more tests. And be prepared if I demand a few other samples from you."

"Why?"

"To get as much information as I can about your condition."

"That is not necessary," I reply.

"There were a few abnormalities that I wish to look further into."

I look up at him, "What...what kind of abnormalities?"

"I am not sure yet. There are a few things that I need to check first."

Splendid. Like leukemia is not enough. What else do I have?

I short laugh escapes me, but I quickly pull myself together.

"Is that all?" I ask, knowing what follows.

He looks uncomfortable, "That is all."

But I have to be mature about it, "So...I'll just wait for you in your bedroom?"

He only nods, looking away.

ooo

_It's my first week back at Hogwarts._

_Nobody knows about my disease or my plan to marry Professor Snape._

_At least, not yet._

_Everyone is looking at me, whispering things about me._

_Mostly nice things, like _war heroine, brave girl, the best part of the Golden Trio.

_I imagine that is all going to change soon._

_But how to marry a man who won't even look at you?_

_He hates me. He really hates me. He hates the fact that I have saved his life without asking for his opinion._

_I have yet to inform him of my plan and that terrifies me. His reaction...he will probably hex me when I finally ask him._

_There were many times I tried to get in contact with him, but it was all pointless. When I try to talk to him after class, he simply disappears into his dungeons. When I try to stop him in the hallway, I lose him in the crowd._

_It is impossible to get him to speak to me._

_And now I've decided._

_I need to do something that would catch his attention. Something that would force him to turn his attention towards me, _look_ at me and _speak_ to me._

_Is that too much to ask?_

_I know exactly when to do it._

_Now, during his Potions class._

_We have to make a simple potion. I think I could do it in my sleep._

_But today, I am going to make a mistake._

_On purpose, of course._

_I pretend to read the textbook, waiting for the right moment. I know Madam Pomfrey is not at Hogwarts and he will not be able to simply sent me to infirmary._

_I observe him as he makes his way around the classroom, commenting on the potions._

_And then I do it._

_I drop an ice pop into the potion and it suddenly explodes._

_A few students scream and they all start panicking because of the smoke._

_"Calm down," I hear Snape's voice, "Silence!"_

_I can see him make his way towards me._

_"Miss Granger," he is angry._

_I start blinking, "M-My eyes, they hurt, Sir. I'm really sorry, I don't know what happened!"_

_"Class dismissed," he roars and the students do not need to be told twice. In less then ten second they are all gone._

_And we are left alone in his classroom._

_Just what I wanted._

_He waves his wand, making the smoke disappear, then points at the chair, "Sit."_

_I obey._

_He stands above me, inspecting me with his eyes. Suddenly I become nervous. I am still not used to lying and especially to him. I have always had a feeling he could see straight through everybody._

_"There is nothing wrong with your eyes," he finally speaks, leaning away from me._

_I could insist that they hurt and burn._

_But I decide to be honest, "You're right."_

_Silence._

_What if he gets me expelled because of this?_

_"Miss Granger," he speaks, "Why was this necessary?"_

_"I.."_

_"And do not expect me to believe it was an accident. I know you. Making a mistake with a simple potion is not like you."_

_I nod, "I needed to speak to you, Sir."_

_He lets out an annoyed sigh, "And you decided blowing up my classroom is the best way to get me to speak to you?"_

_"Yes," I force out, ignoring how stupid that sounds, "You've been avoiding me. Ever since that day at the St. Mungo's."_

_"Yes, that is correct."_

_That catches me off guard. I did not expect him to admit it._

_"I, well," I don't know what to say now._

_"You have five seconds and then I am going to ask you to leave."_

_I clear my throat, "I don't understand why you are angry. I wanted to help and I-I don't think it's fair how you are treating me."_

_He simply raises a brow, "You do not think it's fair?"_

_"No."_

_He smirks, "Well, Miss Granger, I am not going to repeat this ever again so listen closely. It was not fair when you decided to play the little hero. It was not fair that you took my life into your hands."_

_"But I saved you!"_

_"What did you expect? An applause? Should I bow before you? Get on my knees?"_

_I hug myself with my arms, "You are being mean."_

_"I am sorry," he mocks._

_"Stop it."_

_"I am being honest," he says, "You wanted to know what my opinion of you is."_

_"No - "_

_"I think you are incredibly egotistical, selfish, needy of attention and appraisal. And it bothers you that you are not getting that from me. That is why you spend most of your time following me around, stalking me."_

_"I'm not stalking you. I just want - "_

_"My gratitude? Thank you very much for saving my life, Miss Granger, now, please, do get out."_

_I am shocked._

_I thought his reaction at the hospital was because of the shock. I thought, given some time, he would get over it and be able to see the bigger picture. But I was wrong. He truly hates me for saving him._

_I am speechless._

_"Leave," he orders, "And your little explosion show just earned you a detention. With Filch."_

_There is nothing I can say. He is like a stone wall. No matter what I do or say, I can't get through to him._

_Defeated, I turn and leave._

ooo

I lay on his bed, looking up and thinking.

I know this is shallow of me, especially with everything that is happening, but I can't help but wonder about sex. Is this all it is to it? Just a few minutes of bodies moving against each other? I don't know why are people so fascinated by it then?

I can hear him enter the room and I sit up, facing him.

He does not move.

I wait.

Silence.

And then it gets uncomfortable.

He's stalling.

Perhaps...

"It's not contagious, if that's what you're thinking," I speak, "You can't get sick by touching me or anything like that."

"What...are you talking about?"

"About you, standing there like...like you would not touch me with a stick."

His face darkens, "How little you think of me."

"I'm sorry - "

"Stop _apologizing_."

"Then why are you standing there, looking at me like that?"

He takes a step forward and I notice he is holding a small potion vial in his left hand.

My eyes meet his, "What is that?"

"Do you..." he starts, "How does..."

I raise my eyebrows in interest. This is the first time I've seen him lost for words.

Finally he asks the question, "Do you feel any pain or discomfort during our encounters?"

"Why do you ask?" I look at the potion in his hand, "What is that?"

"It is a numbing potion. It targets the specific area and it can make sure you do not feel a thing."

"I...I won't feel anything?"

He simply nods.

"Nothing at all? If I close my eyes...it would feel like nothing is happening?"

"That is correct."

Silence.

No.

_No_.

I slowly get up from the bed, "Why are you doing this?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"This is exactly what I feared would happen," I shake my head, "You are doing this because you know that I'm _sick_."

"Granger - "

"You feel pity for me. _Poor little Hermione, she's dying, so why not make things easier for her while she's still alive_?"

He is silent.

"This is the last thing I want from you. From anybody. Pity. I thought you understood that."

I expect him to fight me, to try and prove I'm wrong, but he does nothing like that. He simply puts the potion vial in his pocket and nods, "As you wish."

At first I simply stare at him strangely, but then a weak smile forms on my lips.

_Thank you._

Not saying anything, I lay down on his bed again.

And it happens as usual.

We do not say a word.

He simply gets on top of me, supporting his weight on his shoulders, our bodies touching as little as possible. He moves slowly this time, I can see he is acting differently, but decide not to say anything.

Usually he has his eyes closed, but tonight he keeps looking at me. Every few seconds he looks down at me, inspecting my face. I try to keep as neutral expression as possible.

Tonight is different.

It takes longer as well. I don't know why. Should I ask?

No.

Probably not a good idea.

I always find it interesting the way he breathes and how he silently gasps right near the end also biting his lower lip in the process. I like to see this side of him. When he is not completely in control. With him, the controling and cold man that he is, it's very rare.

He rolls over to the side and I lay there. I need a moment to pull myself together.

Just a minute or two and then I'll leave.

ooo

I open my eyes slowly, groaning at the coldness in the room.

Why is it so cold?

I pull the covers over my head, then realize something.

My covers are not green.

I quickly sit up.

It's _his_ bedroom.

Why am I still in his bedroom?

What time is it?

Looking around, I notice I'm alone. He has already left.

I must be dreaming.

He allowed me to sleep in his bed?

Why hasn't he thrown me out or levitated me to my room?

We...spent a night together in one bed.

In his bed.

Together.

Sleeping next to each other.

It sounds strange.

Getting up, I make my way to his bathroom to use the toilet.

Why is he acting like that?

He knows I hate pity.

After washing my hands, I look at my reflection in the mirror.

What am I going to do?

Christmas holidays are coming.

Wait.

December.

Christmas.

Suddenly I feel as if someone threw a bucket of cold water over me.

My period.

It's not just _late_.

I don't even remember the last time I had it.

I can feel my throat closing up and I have to grab sink for balance.

_Calm down, Hermione._

_You are sick. You have a serious disease. It's normal that your body acts differently._

I keep repeating that in my head.

But it's not helping.

What if...?

No, it can't be.

Oh God.

I'm terrified.

**A/N: Thanks so much for your support! I hope you can see the progress in their relationship. Next chapter: Ron causes trouble again. ;)**


	16. Chapter 16

**~ chapter 16 ~**

I am a nervous wreck. I can't concentrate on anything. I can't eat. All I want to do is go up to him and ask what the abnormalities in my blood were. Am I pregnant and he's keeping it hidden from me? Why would he do that? And how could I be pregnant? We have been taking precautions. We both know that pregnancy is the last thing we need right now.

Where is he? I have been trying to find him since morning but he's nowhere to be seen. He does that a lot. He just disappears and no one knows where or why. I used to think he might have a mistress, but now...it still is a possibility, but I have more important things to worry about.

At least that is what I'm telling myself.

"Hermione, wait up!"

I ignore the voice and just continue walking, making my way through the crowded hallway.

_Pregnant._

_A baby._

_Where is Snape?_

_What abnormalities?_

"Hermione!"

I sigh and slow down, allowing Ron to catch up with me.

He is the last person I want to see at the moment.

"What is it, Ronald?"

He seems taken aback by my cold voice, but still smiles, "Can I walk you to your next class?"

_God._

I do _not_ have the time for this.

"Actually, I-I'm not going to class," I answer truthfully.

"Why not?"

"I have some things to do."

"What things?"

I look at him, "Important things. I can't really talk about it, Ron. Not now."

He grabs my arm, "Hermione, slow down."

"I don't have time for this!" I snap, "Look, we'll talk later."

"But - "

"Ron."

"I just wanted to apologize, but now I see something's wrong. You can talk to me about it."

I almost laugh at that, "No, I really can't."

"Why not? We're still friends, aren't we?"

I pull my arm away from him, "I really can't talk here."

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing."

"Mione."

"I'm pregnant."

What did I just do?

_Why_ did I just say that?

Complete shock. There's no other word to describe the expression on his face.

He's not even breathing. He just stares at me, mouth open, not blinking.

And I use that time to turn and quickly walk away.

He does not follow me.

ooo

I'm safe in the dungeons. No one will look for me here.

Sitting on the sofa in the living room, I close my eyes and think through things. Why the hell did I say that to Ron? I'm not even sure I am pregnant.

Was it because... I wanted to see the shock and the pain on his face? I wanted to hurt him just like he hurt me when he enjoyed all the fame and the spotlight he got after Voldemort was defeated. And after all that went away he decided to come back to me and expect me to act as if everything was normal.

I shake my head.

He's unbelievable.

And then I hear something. A noise. Like...something exploding. Immediately I get up, following the sound. It takes me to Snape's private lab.

I lean against the door and listen.

I can hear someone moving, something bubbling.

It's him. He's here. But he wasn't in the morning.

Slowly, I push the door open and enter.

He's surprised to see me, but then the surprise turns into annoyance, "I thought you have learned some basic manners, Miss Granger."

"What?"

"It's _excuse me_ or _pardon_," he corrects me, then adds, "And I was talking about _knocking_. You do know what that is, do you?"

I nod, "I'm sorry, but...where were you? I've been looking for you since this morning."

He looks back down, using a knife to cut some green plant into small pieces. curiosity gets the best of me and I move closer, trying to see what it is, but he covers it with his hands, "Is there something you need or did you want to interrupt the little free time I have left?"

I meet his eyes, "Actually...there is something I wanted to ask."

He simply raises his eyebrows.

"What kind of abnormalities did you find in my blood?"

His eyes narrow in suspicion, "Why the sudden interest?"

"Just tell me, please."

"I am working on it."

"But...you must have some idea..?"

"I would rather not jump to conclusions."

"But - "

"Granger," he cuts me off, "Is there something you would like to know?"

I tense up, "What kind of abnormalities?"

"I do not know yet," he speaks slowly.

I stare at him, trying to see through him. Would he be hiding something as important as pregnancy from me? Probably not. I'm just over-reacting.

I'm not pregnant.

I can't be.

"Alright," I relax, "I-I'm sorry for bothering you."

"Granger, what is it?"

"Nothing."

I turn and make my way to the door. Then I remember.

"Sir?" I look at him, "Why did you...why didn't you wake me up?"

This time he tenses up, "I did not want to disturb you."

"But it's your bed, the last thing I wanted was to steal your space or - "

"I did not sleep."

"Oh. You..."

He clears his throat, "I was here the whole night, working on some new potions."

"Oh," I repeat, "That's...I-I'll just leave now."

And I do, quickly disappearing from the room.

ooo

_It is a week after the wedding._

_I'm still getting used to living in the dungeons and I miss my friends. I miss being able to talk to them late at night or seeing them early in the morning. That is why I decided to visit Ginny in the Gryffindor Tower._

_But before I could reach her room something catches my attention. All the girls are staring at me, but I'm already used to it so it shouldn't bother me. But this time there's something different. Something is going on, I can feel it. There is a group of girls standing before the entrance to the bathroom and they are all whispering things among themselves while looking at me. I'm not stupid, I know what it means._

_I roll my eyes and am about to walk away when one girl walks up to me, her voice low, "I think you should go in there," she points towards the bathroom._

_"Why?" I ask, starting to worry._

_She shrugs her shoulders, "Just go see."_

_Not saying anything, I push my way through the crowd, not really knowing what to expect in the bathroom._

_I enter, looking around. My eyes follow a row of sinks and then I notice a group of girls. There are four of them. And one of them is writing something on the wall._

_I don't understand._

_I approach them quietly, noticing the girl is using a red lipstick to write on wall._

_And then I see the words._

_**Granger shagging a teacher.**_

_**She gave him an ohhh for an O.**_

_For a long moment I just stand there. There are many more. Disgusting, offensive things about me and Professor Snape._

_Suddenly something snaps inside of me, "What the hell is this?"_

_They all jump and turn to face me._

_Rage is boiling inside me and I make no efforts to hold it back._

_I turn my attention towards the girl with the lipstick in her hand. She seems uncomfortable and surprised to see me. But then she forces a smile, "I'm only writing the truth."_

_I approach her, pushing her into a wall, "What is your problem?"_

_She pushes me back._

_I push her again._

_And then it starts._

_We jump at each other, hitting, scratching._

_We are pulling each other's hair and before I realize it we are on the ground, screaming and fighting._

_Suddenly the bathroom is full of girls watching us. Some are rooting while others are telling us to stop._

_And then they finally decide to make an end to it._

_I hear Ginny's voice, "Stop it! Someone call Professor McGonagall!"_

_A moment later they finally break us apart, Ginny holding me back while I scream and kick, seeing red._

_They finally manage to drag the other girl away and I slowly calm down._

_"Hermione? What is going on?" Ginny releases me and I point at the wall._

_"This!" I scream, "She's going to pay for this!"_

_Ginny tenses up, "Hermione..."_

_I look at the few girls who are still in the bathroom, observing my outburst, "Get out! All of you!"_

_They immediately obey and soon Ginny and I are left alone._

_I run a hand through my hair, "This is too much."_

_"Hermione, she's been...this is not the only time this has happened."_

_"What?"_

_Ginny seems uncomfortable, "It's been here on the wall since you...since the wedding."_

_My mouth falls open in shock, "What?"_

_"I've told her to stop, but..."_

_"You knew about this and you didn't say a word to me?"_

_There is regret on her face, "I didn't want to worry you! I wanted to deal with this by myself, but obviously she isn't going to stop willingly."_

_I shake my head in disbelief, not knowing what to say._

_Ginny puts a hand on my shoulder, "It's going to be alright. We will talk to McGonagall about this."_

_No one can stop this. No one can help._

_"It's going to be alright," Ginny repeats._

_I don't believe her._

_But I still nod, looking at the scratches on my arms._

ooo

I lay in my bed, thinking about getting up and finding a good book to read. Snape's library is full of interesting books and being married to him means I now have full access to those books. That's a plus. However, I might see him on the way there, so perhaps I should just stay in my room?

But I'm bored.

I sit up, hearing voices.

We have guests?

I quickly get up from the bed and then I hear fighting.

What is going on?

I rush out of the room, not really knowing what to expect.

Following the voices, I make my way to the living room and then I see them.

Professor Snape.

Ron.

They both go silent when they see me, but I know exactly what is going on.

Snape is standing there, looking at Ron down his nose, his face annoyed.

Ron, on the other hand, is looking angry and not quite himself.

I move closer to them, "What is this?"

Snape smirks, his eyes not moving from Ron, "Go ahead and tell her what you have told me."

Ron just grunts in disgust.

"It's late," I say, "What are you doing here?"

"Mione, he's using you and I won't let him!"

"What are you talking about?" I demand while Snape only shakes his head in disbelief.

"He got you pregnant! You won't be able to finish school and he'll just lock you up in here. I won't allow that!" Ron is visibly upset and I suspect he's a bit drunk as well.

Snape smirks, sending him a cold look, "And where did you get that entertaining idea?"

"Hermione told me herself."

I tense up, meeting Snape's eyes.

I can see many emotions pass his face.

Confusion.

Realization.

Shock.

He's unbelievably pale.

He opens his mouth to speak, but there is no voice coming out.

My own voice is shaking, "I-I-I just..."

"You are _pregnant_?" he asks, ignoring Ron completely.

I shake my head, "No, I-I _don't know_. I thought _you_ would know."

"How am _I_ supposed to know that?" he demands.

"You said something about abnormalities in my blood and I just - "

He cuts me off, "You are not pregnant, you foolish girl."

"I'm not?"

"No," he says firmly.

"You're not?" Ron joins in on the conversation again.

I shake my head. This is all too much. I can't deal with both of them at the same time.

"Out!" I raise my voice, "Both of you!"

Snape raises a brow, "You are throwing me out of my own dungeons?"

"Hermione," Ron tries to walk over to me, but Snape steps between us, blocking his way.

"I think you ought to leave now, Mr. Weasley."

"I will leave when _she_ says I can leave," he hisses back.

A short laugh escapes me, "What part of _get out_ didn't you understand? It's late, I'm tired and I don't have time for this!"

Ron seems a bit hurt by that, but he quickly covers it, nodding, "Alright. I'll go. Now that I know you're not.._.you know_."

He turns to leave, but then Snape's voice stops him, "Oh, one more thing, Mr. Weasley," a pause, "One more assault and you can say goodbye to this school."

"Assault?" Ron seems surprised, "I haven't done anything."

"I am not referring to tonight's incident," Snape replies calmly, "I am talking about your attitude towards my wife."

_Wife._

A chill goes through me. He rarely refers to me as his wife. I don't think I'll ever get used to hearing it from him.

Ron looks at me, then back at Snape, "What are you talking about?"

Snape smiles politely, but his eyes remain cold, "I believe you know what I am talking about. Keep your hands and your mouth to yourself from now on. Is that clear?"

I freeze.

"You told him?" Ron asks me.

I guess I did. Though I don't remember when.

Silence.

Ron simply blushes and then turns, almost running out of the dungeons.

And then it becomes really awkward.

I hug myself with my arms, waiting for the inevitable.

"Correct me if I am wrong," he starts, "But you thought you were pregnant and you chose Mr. Weasley as the most appropriate person to share that information with?"

I bite my lower lip, "No, it's not like that."

"Explain it to me."

"It's complicated and...a long story."

"I am a _very_ patient person."

"I'm sorry, I just thought you were hiding it from me," I meet his eyes.

"And why would I do that?"

"I don't know."

He sighs.

Silence.

I need to say something. All the tension is making it difficult to breathe.

"I told you about Ron and that...kiss when I was drunk, right?" I ask, grimacing a bit.

He only stares at me and I take that as a _yes_.

I lick my lips in hesitation, "Did I do something else? The memory is still a bit hazy."

He does not react at all. As if he didn't hear the question.

I raise my eyebrows, "Well?"

Nothing.

Alright.

Does this mean our conversations has ended?

"You were drunk," he finally speaks and I look up at him, "You were acting like a spoiled child. You wanted to argue."

I force an apologetic smile.

"And then you...made your lips meet mine...on purpose," he forces out, his voice impassive.

What?

"I kissed you?" I breathe out.

"I would rather you not use that phrase."

"I kissed you," I say to myself.

"It's late. You should go to your room."

"I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize. It will not happen again. I have removed all drinks with alcohol from our dungeons."

I'm still in shock.

I kissed him. On purpose.

Why?

I open my mouth to speak, but he cuts me off, "Good night, Miss Granger."

I allow him to leave, desperately in need of some alone time. The moment he is gone, I drop onto the sofa, hiding my face in my hands.

Why did I kiss him?

What was I trying to prove?

And why am I not completely disgusted by it?

Why do I want to remember it?

What was it like?

How did he react?

Why am I blushing only thinking about it?

I'm going insane. That's the only logical explanation.

**A/N: Thank you for reading! Next chapter - drama and angst. ;)**


	17. Chapter 17

**~ chapter 17 ~**

"Could you...pass the, um...newspaper, please?" I ask quietly.

He nods, reaching over the table, handing it to me.

"Thank you," I mutter, quickly opening the paper and hiding myself behind it.

We usually don't have breakfast together and I don't even know how it came to this, but here we are, sitting together, awkwardly, in silence.

Actually, I _do_ know how it happened.

We are both too proud for our own good. It's Sunday and I walked down to the kitchen, expecting it to be empty as usually. But there he was, sitting at the table and drinking tea. He looked up at me and what was I to do? Turn around and walk away? I couldn't do that. He doesn't have that kind of a power over me.

And he didn't leave either.

So...

Here we are.

I avoid looking at him.

I kissed him.

While I was drunk.

_Ugh._

I will never come anywhere near alcohol again. Ever.

I take a sip of orange juice and clear my throat, pretending to read the Daily Prophet.

Why doesn't he just leave already? He's not even eating anything, he's just sitting there.

"What are your plans for today?"

And now he's talking to me.

If he can do it, then I can do it too.

I look up at him, trying to sound normal, "Nothing much. I'll go for a walk maybe or...read a book. Or two."

He smirks.

"And you?" I ask back. It's polite to do so.

"I will be in my lab."

"Oh," I reply, "Why?"

"Excuse me?"

"What will you be doing there?"

He seems surprised by my interest, "Testing new potions, grading papers."

"Grading papers? You usually do that in your study."

He narrows his eyes, "What is this, Granger? What is it that you actually want to know?"

Silence.

Then I stand up, "We should get cereal. I want cereal."

"You...what?"

"Cereal, you know. Breakfast cereal. They don't have it at Hogwarts and I want it."

"I know what cereal is. Why are you changing the subject?"

"I'm not."

"You are."

"What abnormalities?" I suddenly ask, "Why won't you tell me?"

He tenses up, "Granger, it is nothing serious. I am still working on it."

"It's my body and I have the right to know."

"I would tell you if I knew, but I do not. Not yet."

I bite my tongue in anger and then simply nod. I stand there for a few moments, then awkwardly leave the kitchen.

ooo

_Knock knock._

_I hear nothing._

_So I knock again, this time a bit stronger._

_"Come in," I hear the annoyed voice from the other side._

_I push the door open and force myself to enter._

_It's his study and even though we are married and these rooms are our rooms, I don't feel comfortable just walking in._

_He's sitting on the armchair, reading a book._

_He glances up at me, but then continues reading._

_I wait there in silence._

_This was a mistake. What am I even doing here?_

_"Is there something you want, Miss Granger?" he asks, not even looking up at me._

_I find it funny how he still calls me Miss Granger. But I don't correct him. It feels...safe being called that. Perhaps I'm not ready to face the fact that I am not Miss Granger anymore. It's only been a few weeks after all._

_"Yes," I start, "I-I wanted to...to borrow a book."_

_Yes, I wanted to borrow a book. That sounds believable._

_He only points at the bookcase behind him, not saying anything. He probably wants me to leave him alone as soon as possible._

_I nod, quickly walking past him and to the bookcase, taking a long moment to look at all the books. This is better than the library._

_Well, one of the advantages of being married to a teacher is having the access to lots of books you can't find in the library._

_"Granger?" his voice cuts through the silence, "You are not here because of a book."_

_This time he turns around to look at me and I blush, nervously nodding my head, "Of course I am. I-I wanted..."_

_My eyes scan the books and I quickly pull one out, "I wanted this one," then I read the title on the front page, "The history and torture methods used by Death Eaters."_

_What?_

_He tenses up, "I don't think you should be reading that."_

_"Why not?" I get a bit defensive._

_He stands up, "That book is not available to other students and I think the same should apply to you."_

_"Sir, please. I've survived the War, I've seen things. What damage could one book do?"_

_He takes it from my hand gently, "Still, I would rather you use the school's library from now on."_

_That angers me a bit, but I bite my tongue before I could say anything._

_Then I actually take a look at him. He's not wearing his usual teaching robes, he seems a bit more relaxed and his neck is not covered. And then I see it. The scar. From Nagini's attack. It's large and for some reason I can't stop staring at it._

_He notices that and quickly turns around, clearing his throat, "You should go now."_

_But I don't move._

_"Granger."_

_"Did it hurt?" I ask, then let out a nervous laugh, "Stupid question, of course it hurt. But...how much?"_

_Silence._

_"Sir?"_

_Finally he speaks, "It hurt."_

_I can still see it in my mind._

_All the blood._

_Gushing from his neck, wetting his robes._

_The pain on his face._

_His eyes, the look in them. He knew it was the end for him. I could just see it. He was positive he was going to die._

_Only he didn't._

_Because of me._

_"Granger," he snaps me out of my thoughts._

_I approach him, "I..I have scars too."_

_Silence._

_"Some are from my childhood. I kept falling down...a lot."_

_No response from him._

_I move closer to him, "And some are from the War. I have..." I pull my sleeve up, "This."_

_A few seconds pass and then he finally turns to face me, his eyes traveling from my eyes down to my arm._

_There it it._

_The scars._

_Mudblood._

_He tenses up, but says nothing._

_"Bellatrix, she...when I was captured and taken to the Malfoy Manor," I explain, "The wound has healed, but the scars won't go away. Madam Pomfrey has tried everything, but I guess it's some kind of a dark magic. It...won't go away. Ever."_

_He seems hypnotised and then he finally speaks, "How come I have never noticed it before?"_

_"Oh, I use a charm to hide it. Most of the time," I admit._

_Then I become strangely uncomfortable and I quickly pull the sleeve back down, hiding the arm behind my back._

_"I should go," I whisper and he nods._

_Quickly making my way out of the room, I can't get rid of that feeling._

_Warm feeling._

_It felt nice just talking to him._

ooo

"Ahh, fresh air!" I sigh as Ginny and I step out from the castle.

Even though I love reading, spending the whole day behind books did not seem so interesting. So I invited Ginny for a walk. I could use some company.

"It's cold!" Ginny groans, pulling the coat tighter around her body.

I laugh, "Yes, this is a little thing we like to call winter."

"Ugh, I don't like the snow and the cold. Why can't we just go back inside?"

I grab her arm and force her to start walking, "No, you'll get warmer, you'll see."

She makes an annoyed face, but doesn't protest.

"So," she starts, "What happened with you and Ron?"

I tense up, "What did you hear?"

"Nothing, but I know something happened."

"He...he barged into the dungeons, accusing Snape of...things. He just made a big scene for nothing."

Ginny rolls her eyes, "What is wrong with him? He'll get kicked out of this school. I'll talk to mum and dad about his behavior."

"No, Ginny - "

"Yes. Whether he likes it or not, Professor Snape is a teacher at this school. And Ron has to learn respect. Even though..."

"Even though what?"

"Even though that teacher is married to the girl he likes."

I shake my head, "Don't start with that. We were together, but it didn't work out. Do I have to remind you that Ron was the one who started seeing other girls?"

"No, you don't have to. I know my brother and I know he got carried away...all the fame and the attention..."

I roll my eyes, "_I_ didn't get carried away. Neither did Harry."

Ginny smiles, "Alright, lets change the subject."

Nodding, I wait in silence.

"Did Harry tell you about those two Death Eaters? They are waiting for trial and we both might have to testify against them," Ginny explains.

"I hope not. I never want to see their faces again."

Ginny pulls my arm, "I've never really thanked you for saving my life that afternoon."

"I didn't save your life. It was team work."

"Oh come on. If it weren't for you, I'd...be dead. So thank you."

I smile, not really knowing what to say. Here I am, with this dear friend of mine and I can't bring myself to tell her the truth. I can't confide in her. I can't.

What is the matter with me? I am just a horrible person?

ooo

I have just returned from the walk. It's starting to get dark outside. I am just about to walk to the kitchen to find myself something to eat when I see Snape in the living room.

Just sitting in silence.

"Hi," I say, a bit surprised.

He stands up, looking at me strangely.

"What?" I ask, alarmed.

I know that look. I have seen it before. It's the look a person has before telling some bad news.

"What happened?" I ask again.

"Perhaps you should sit down."

"No. Tell me."

He seems sceptical, but finally nods, "Test results."

"My blood?"

"Yes. The results are...not so good."

I relax, "I already know that. I'm dying, I have no false hope of magically surviving."

But why is he still serious?

I know that I am dying.

"Miss Granger," he starts, "According to the information you have provided me with, when you were diagnosed, how long you were treated, etc., I expected..."

"What?"

He is starting to worry me.

"What, am I pregnant?" I joke, then my face turns serious, "Oh God, am I pregnant?"

He seems disturbed by that thought, "No. That is not it."

I relax, "Then what is it?"

"You said you still have a year or so, is that correct?" he asks.

"Yes, that is what my doctor told me."

Silence.

"What?" I ask.

Nothing.

"What is it?" I demand again.

"There is an increase of white blood cells."

"I already know that."

His voice is gentle, "Hermione."

Hermione?

Since when does he call me Hermione?

Slowly, he continues, "If the white cells continue this rapid growth...you would have two months, perhaps three months of life."

I gulp.

All air is pushed from my lungs.

No.

This is wrong.

"These were the abnormalities I mentioned a couple of days ago. I have been checking your blood in the past week and the change is not normal," Snape speaks slowly, his voice even, "I am not a Healer, but I have some basic knowledge and - "

"No," I cut him off.

"No?"

I shake my head, "No. You are wrong. I-I mean, I know I don't have much time left, but two or three months? That's just too...too fast."

"We could try slowing down the growth, but that would mean trying new potions and - "

"You are wrong. I still have a year," my voice is shaking now, "In fact, I-I've been feeling good in the last couple of days. No vomiting or sickness and I'm good. I-I'm _good_."

"The results - "

"I don't care about some stupid results!" I scream.

He opens his mouth to speak, but closes them again.

And then I see it again. The pity in his eyes. I hate it.

My vision is blurred and I know tears are forming in my eyes.

"D-Does that mean I won't be able to see another winter? And...I won't even make it to the summer?" the reality hits me and I have trouble breathing, "I-I won't see the hot sunny days? I-I won't ..."

"Granger, there are still ways to help you."

"But not heal me. Only help me. Help me live a bit longer. Dying a bit longer."

No.

I can't take this.

I run past him.

I can hear him following me, but I don't care. I run into my room, into my bathroom, closing and locking the doors behind me.

Then I look at myself in the mirror.

I'm angry.

Furious.

Why can't I be healthy?

What does Ginny have that I don't? What does Harry have? Or Ron? Or Luna?

I've always been a good girl, I've always lived by the rules, almost always, and what do I get in return?

A disease.

My blood.

Not thinking, I search the bathroom, going through drawers until I find it.

A small razor.

Lets see what my sick blood looks like.

"Granger, do come out," Snape's voice comes from the other side of the door, "We should talk about this."

"Leave," I hiss back at him, "I wish to be alone."

And then I quickly make a cut on my left arm.

I let out a pained groan.

It hurt, but there is no blood.

I try again, deeper this time. And finally, the blood shows.

I simply stare at it. It's dripping down my arm and onto the floor.

It's red.

I don't see those harmful white blood cells everyone is talking about.

"Granger!"

Silence.

"Open the door."

Nothing.

I don't want to cry. It's useless and pathetic. I'm a big girl now.

But tears are just rolling down my cheeks and I brush them away furiously, but they keep coming as if making fun of me.

Suddenly I hear the doors unlock and I look around, but realize I have nowhere to hide, so I just turn away.

The doors open and I hear his footsteps.

"You are alright," he says, sounding a bit relieved.

What did he think I was going to do to myself?

Stop crying.

I can't face him looking like this.

"What..." he starts, probably noticing the razor and the blood.

Grabbing my arm, he forces me to turn around. I refuse to look at him, so I just stare at the floor, but that makes the tears easier to roll down my cheeks. I look up at the ceiling, trying to pull myself together.

"What have you done?" he asks.

Silence.

He speaks again, "Why?"

I do not answer.

"You said you do not hurt yourself," he says, "How am I supposed to believe you after this?"

"I don't - " my voice breaks and I can't speak.

"Come," he tries to lead me out of the bathroom, but I shake my head.

"I don't want to die."

There.

I said it.

I've been pretending for so long.

That I'm alright.

That I've come to terms with it.

But the truth is, I don't want to die.

"I don't want to die, Sir, I don't want to die. I...don't..." I'm crying by now and I hate myself because of it.

I can't even stand up anymore. I'm so tired.

But before I could crumble to the floor, Snape grabs me, "Lets return to the living room."

He's warm.

And he smells nice.

I press myself against him, closing my eyes.

He tenses up, I can feel it.

But he says nothing to stop me.

Slowly we walk out of the bathroom.

ooo

I'm sitting on the sofa, while he's on the table before me, cleaning the cut on my arm.

We are both silent.

I have calmed down a bit. Perhaps there was something in the tea he made me?

I'm sleepy.

I like observing him while he's working. He always seems so concentrated and serious.

He looks up at me and our eyes meet for a brief second before I quickly look away.

"All done," he says, letting go of my arm.

It's bandaged.

I stare at it for a few long moments.

"Why not tell your friends?" he suddenly asks.

"W-What?"

"You could use their support."

I shake my head, "No."

"Why not?"

I think for a moment, "They...Harry would understand, but Ginny... I would have ti explain it to her, the disease and everything. And Ron..."

Silence.

Then I take a deep breath, "I can handle it."

"Obviously you cannot," he says, pointing at my arm.

"This was just an...an outburst."

"What guarantees me you will not have more of these so called outbursts? I do not want you hurting yourself ever again."

"Why not?" I look up at him, raising my eyebrows.

He clenches his jaw, but says nothing.

"It's pointless now. Everything is," I continue, "Nothing matters. Nothing makes sense anymore."

Snape takes a deep breath, "Will you let me help you?"

A small laugh escapes me, "Help me how? You can't help me. No one can. My own body is attacking me and there is nothing I can do."

"I need your permission."

"Permission to do what?"

"Help you," he answers.

"I don't really care."

"Is that a yes?"

I shrug.

"Granger?"

"Do what you want to do. I don't care."

He simply nods, "Alright. Now go to your room. Sleep. That is an order. I will be checking on you during the night."

I am too tired to argue.

I just want my bed.

Standing up, I notice I've dirtied his robes with my blood.

I grimace, "I'm really sorry for that, Sir."

He looks at the stain, then back at me, "It is quite alright, Miss Granger."

"You should take it off and wash it, you don't want my dirty blood on you. It's not good for you."

"Let me be the judge of that."

I say nothing, only turn around and walk to my room.

**A/N: I know, I know. It's been a month. :/ What can I say? I was a bit stuck with this story, but I hope that is behind me now. Next chapters - their relationship will develop. ;) Thank you for reading. **


	18. Chapter 18

**~ chapter 18 ~**

The days passed so quickly I can hardly believe the last day of school is here.

Finally winter holidays.

What now? Where do I go? What do I do?

I want so badly to go and visit my parents, to stay with them, to see them again. But that's not possible. And every time I see them it's so much harder to leave. Even if they don't see me.

The whole Weasley family has invited me to stay with them and spend the holidays with people who love me. Harry is going to be there as well.

And I...don't know what to do. After I found out I have less time left than I thought, I have been acting crazy. All my plans were destroyed. What am I supposed to do with so little time left?

Also, it would be a good idea to distance myself from my friends. The goodbye is coming and I don't like goodbyes.

"So," Ginny starts, "Have you made up your mind? Are you coming with us? Please, say yes."

I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

"Come on, Hermione. My mum would love to see you," Ginny insists.

And I would love to see her, but...

Finally I make up my mind, "I'm sorry, but...I think I'll just stay here, at Hogwarts," then I add, "With my husband."

Ginny makes a face, but she quickly tries to fix it with a smile, "Oh, alright. If that's what you really want."

"I do."

Do I?

"But promise you will visit us."

"Ginny - "

"Snape can come with you."

That surprises me, "He can?"

"Sure, why not?"

"But - "

Ginny sighs, "He's not a very ... lovable person, but my parents respect him. And he's welcome to visit us with you."

I smile at that thought. I can just imagine him sitting at the table during dinner, surrounded by Weaselys. Oh yes, he would enjoy that.

"We'll see, perhaps," I reply.

"No _perhaps_," Ginny insists.

"We'll see," I repeat, smiling a bit, "You guys have fun."

They will have fun, but what about me? I'll probably spend the days in my room, reading books which is not as entertaining as it used to be.

ooo

Hogwarts is very quiet. Almost everyone went home for the holiday. I have never seen it like this, so empty and dead.

I have no one to talk to. It's not like I'm in the talking mood, but it would feel nice having someone to...someone I could rely on.

Snape is nowhere to be seen.

He knows I've stayed with him for the holidays, but does he care? No.

The first day of the holidays is spent in my room, alone.

ooo

My head hurts. It feels as if it's going to explode. I had a plan for the day, I wanted to go out for a walk, but it seems I'm going to spend the whole day in my bed. The room is dark, because the light hurts my eyes.

I sit up in my bed, feeling something on my face.

No, not again.

My nose is bleeding.

I hate that.

I grab a napkin, placing it on my nose.

I feel so angry when something like this happens. Angry at myself, at my body. Why is it doing things like this?

I can feel anger bubbling inside of me, there is so much of it. I want to take it out on somebody, I want to blame someone for my condition, but there's no one. No one is responsible for it. And that's what makes it so much more difficult. I've got no one to blame, except me. My body. It's weak and stupid and -

"Miss?"

I jump at the voice, noticing the small elf in my room.

"Y-Yes?" I stare at it.

"Master is requiring your presence in his Potions lab."

I raise a brow. Snape knows I don't like the fact that he has a house elf. It's slavery. And now he just sent one to me to convey his message.

"Tell Mr. Snape that I am currently unavailable," I reply.

The elf seems surprised at first, but then only nods, "Alright, Miss."

And with that he disappears.

ooo

Not even five minutes later the elf is in my room again, looking very uncomfortable.

"What is it?" I ask.

"Master Snape is demanding your presence, Miss. He will not accept a no for an answer."

Demanding?

I remove the napkin from my nose, "Tell him that I don't care if he accepts it or not. I am not going anywhere today."

The elf opens it's mouth to speak, but decides against it and simply disappears again.

Snape is _demanding_ my presence? Who does he think he is?

The bleeding from my nose still hasn't stopped, so I press the napkin against it and lay down, hoping to get some sleep.

ooo

Just as sleep threatens to take over me, the doors are pushed open.

"What is this, Granger?" his voice cuts through the silence.

I flinch, but don't move from my position.

"I have requested your presence for a reason, I did not do so because I was bored and in need of your entertaining company," he continues, annoyance clear in his tone.

I ignore his ranting, still turned away from him.

"I expected much more from you, Miss Granger," he drawls, "What have you turned into? Spending all your day in bed?"

I am silent.

He approaches me, I can hear his footsteps. He stops beside my bed and I can see his shadow.

"Have you forgotten about our agreement?" he asks, "I have not. If I remember correctly, you promised to act maturely, to allow me to help you. Is this what you call mature?" he sits on my bed, "Is your attitude mature now?"

When I don't answer, his voice grows impatient, "I do not appreciate having a monologue."

After a long moment of silence, he grabs my arm, forcing me to face him. I don't resist, meeting his eyes and then waiting and observing how his face changes.

It goes from angry to surprised, then worried and taken aback.

He quickly lets go of me, clearing his throat.

He seems to be uncomfortable.

Good. He deserves it. He needs to change his attitude towards me.

"What happened?" he asks, observing my face.

I let out a laugh, removing the napkin from my nose, "This happened."

"Why did you not inform me?"

"Why would I? This is nothing, it happens often."

"It is not nothing."

"It is," I insist, "What do you want? That I come running to you everytime I get a bruise? Or everytime I get a cut? This is nothing."

"What if it was something?" he asks, angry again, "What if it was serious? What if..." he stands up, "What if - "

I understand what he is trying to say, "What if I died?"

He says nothing.

I continue, "Well, I didn't die. And it won't happen anytime soon, at least not _that_ soon."

"I need to know about things like this, Granger."

"Why?"

It angers him, "How can you expect me to not care? If something happened to you, what do you think everyone will think?"

That confuses me, "What do you mean?"

"If you suddenly...died, if something suddenly happened to you...I would be the person to blame."

I stare at him, "N-No..."

"Yes. Everyone would blame me, because it is my duty to take care of you. Besides, I am sure many of them would not hesitate to think I had something to do with it."

My eyes widen in shock, "You mean people would suspect ... you did something to me?"

"Of course they would."

I need a moment to process that.

He's right. I'm sure people would have their suspicions. I haven't even thought about that.

But...

I look up at him, "So...your sudden interest in my well being has nothing to do with me, but..."

"Granger - "

"You are worried about yourself," I finish, letting out a breath.

"Do not jump to conclusions," he replies, "I do not know why you like to make a monster out of me."

Shaking my head, I force a smile, "Not a monster. A human being. It's in our nature to be selfish and to think of ourselves first, then of others - "

"Spare me the lectures," he cuts me off, "Do not make a mistake in assuming you know me."

"But - "

"End of discussion," he says, walking over to me, "Has the bleeding stopped?"

I don't answer him.

He continues, "I'll have the elf bring a potion to you. It will make you feel better."

I should thank him, but I don't.

"Rest," he says before leaving the room.

ooo

I knock on his office door.

"Enter."

Pushing the door open, I walk in, noticing him sitting behind his desk, going through some papers. I like watching him work. It's fascinating to see how concentrated he is. He seems to be amused and annoyed at the same time when he's grading papers or reading students' essays, but I know his true passion. Potion making. He seems to be in his own world.

"Have I not ordered you to rest?" he says, looking up at me.

"I don't take orders from anyone," a reply comes from me, then I continue, "It's late."

"Thank you for notifying me, but I have noticed the darkness outside_ all by myself_," his voice is dripping with sarcasm.

I roll my eyes, "What I meant to say is, we have one hour till midnight."

"Yes, I know."

"Well?" I ask, "You know what day it is."

"I do know."

I'm starting to get uncomfortable, "You know what we have to do."

"I do."

What is he playing at?

"Then...what are you waiting for?" I demand, "It'll be a close call."

"There will be no call, Miss Granger."

"What?"

"We will not be performing our duties tonight," he says and returns to grading the papers.

And I just stand there, speechless.

What?

"But..." I start, "We have to. We have until midnight."

"I am aware of that. But we will not be doing anything tonight."

"But we have to," I'm repeating myself, I know.

I simply don't understand him.

"What do you mean 'we won't be doing anything'? We have to. If we don't the ministry will be here tomorrow and they will demand explanation."

"And we will provide them with one," he says calmly.

"And what is that?"

He looks at me, his eyes dark, "You are sick."

My throat closes up, "You can't tell them that."

"Granger - "

"You can't. They will want to know more about me, my condition and then they'll realize this marriage is fake and that I lied to you and then everyone will find out and I'll be prosecuted - "

"Granger," he raises his voice, "Calm down."

"No!" I approach him, "You promised! You promised you won't tell anyone, you gave me your word."

He seems to be having an inner battle, but he says nothing.

So I continue, "I've done everything you wanted. I've given you blood samples. I did everything you asked me to. And you _promised_."

He stands up, looking directly into my eyes, "How can you demand this of me?"

"Demand what?"

"Demand that I sleep with you," he forces though his teeth, "That I do what is required to do while you are sick. That I use you while you can barely move, while you feel sick, while your nose bleeds. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel?"

I shake my head, "No...I don't. And I'm sorry."

"Then you understand why I cannot do this. Not anymore."

He turns around, but I grab his arm, forcing him to face me again, "But you are not using me. You are _helping_ me. You are doing what I'm asking you to do."

"Granger - "

I force a smile, "And I'm not feeling sick anymore. I took a nap and I'm better now. See?"

He simply shakes his head.

"Please, Sir. I'm fine."

I hope I'm convincing.

He stares at me for a long moment and then shakes his head again, but before he has a chance to turn away, I stand up on my toes and kiss him.

I expect him to push me away, but he doesn't. At first he simply stands there. It's awkward kissing a person who is not moving at all. It's like kissing a statue. Just as I am about to break the kiss, his lips move. Just slightly. Or am I imagining it?

I pull away from him, too nervous to meet his eyes.

He sighs, "Go to my room. I will be there in ten minutes."

Relief washes over me and I nod, "Thank you."

"Go."

I obey, running out before he changes his mind.

ooo

_"The dinner was great, Ginny," I laugh, "It's like the dark times are behind us, finally."_

_"And what did you do afterwards?" the redhead asks, smirking._

_"Nothing, we went for a walk and we talked."_

_I can't erase the smile from my face. It's unbelievable how happy Ron makes me. And to think we've lost so many years being ignorant about each other. But better late than never._

_Ginny looks sceptical, "You just talked?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Hermione, is that all? I mean, I don't want to know every little detail, he is after all my brother, but you can tell me if you had a good time."_

_I blush, "Ginny, I'm serious. Nothing like that happened, we just talked."_

_She just raises her eyebrows._

_I laugh, "I swear!"_

_We're sitting in the Great Hall and I notice a group of girls looking at us and whispering._

_"What now?" I ask with annoyance._

_"Don't mind them," Ginny says, then raises her voice, "They are just bitter you are the War heroine and they are not."_

_I observe them closely, "Ginny, I don't think that's it. Something is going on."_

_Finally one girls approaches us, holding a paper in her hands._

_"We thought you should see this," she says, handing me the Daily Prophet and then walking away._

_"What is it?" Ginny asks, leaning over so she could see it._

_And there it was._

_The first page._

_**War Hero Ronald Weasley spotted with a blonde girl late last night.**_

_And then my heart broke into a million little pieces._

_That was the first time. And the news kept coming._

_The next week it was **"Ronald Weasley in the company of two girls."**_

_And the week after** "War Hero caught kissing in public with an older woman."**_

_My dreams about our life together were destroyed._

ooo

I wait in his bed, biting my lower lip in frustration.

Where is he?

Has he changed his mind?

He can't do that.

Just as I am about to stand up and go check up on him, he enters the room.

He does not look up at me, only takes a deep breath and stops.

I wait.

And he just stands there.

And then I laugh out loud, making him look at me.

"I'm sorry, it's just...like it's our first time," I explain, shaking my head.

And he smiles. Just a bit. I can swear the corners of his lips turned upwards for a second.

"So," I continue, "Shall we? We only have half an hour left."

He nods, looking at me.

There is a question in his eyes, I can see it.

But his mouth are not moving.

"What is it?" I ask quietly.

Nothing.

"I know there is _something_," I insist, "Tell me."

He seems sceptical, but he speaks, "Do you not find me...repulsive?"

"Repulsive?"

"Disgusting. Dirty," he continues, "Do you not hate what we have to do?"

He is completely serious.

I take a moment before I answer. And when I do, it's only one word, "No."

"No?"

"No," I repeat.

"You are lying. You must be."

I stand up and walk over to him, meeting his eyes, "I am not lying. I admit, you have some qualities that I find rude and annoying and sometimes even mean, but if anything, you have always been nothing less than a gentleman in the bedroom. And I appreciate that. I really do."

"Sometimes you do not realize what you demand of me," he speaks quietly, "My entire life I have had Masters, people I had to obey, people I had to serve. After Dumbledore's death and The Dark Lord's downfall I thought that period of my life was over. I have never been more wrong."

What does he mean by that? He can't be comparing me to... can he?

Before I can open my mouth to protest, he turns and walks over to his cabinet, taking out a small vial. He hands it to me, not saying anything. I know what it is. A contraceptive.

It is going to happen.

ooo

Sometimes I wish the lights were on so that I could see his face. But then I quickly change my mind. I don't want to see the anger and the disgust on his face. I don't want to see how much he hates me for forcing him into this.

As he moves on top of me, I wonder what it would feel like if we took our clothes off. Would it make it more personal? This way it seems like we are two strangers. Perhaps we could feel more connected if we could feel each other's skin.

But I'm sure he would never agree on that.

Who am I kidding? We are not a normal couple and we never will be.

Should I try and make this more intimate?

Hesitantly, I bring my hand up and run it through his hair. I can tell he did not expect it because he freezes. He stops moving completely and I remove my hand. He obviously did not appreciate that small gesture.

I need to stop hoping that this would ever be anything else but a duty.

ooo

I groan as I wake up. I feel as if I've been ran over by a train. I open my eyes, groaning again, this time because of the lightness in the room.

It's morning.

My hair is a mess.

Sitting up, I try to pull myself together.

"Good morning."

I flinch, not expecting anyone.

My eyes quickly find him, sitting on the armchair next to the window. There is a book in his lap.

"Morning," I reply, sceptically.

He seems amused by something and that surprises me.

"What...what are you doing here?" I ask, eying him carefully.

Is this a dream? Am I still sleeping?

"What am_ I_ doing here?" he repeats, "This is my bedroom."

"Oh."

He stands up, "It's almost noon."

My eyes widen in surprise, "What?"

"It is almost noon," he repeats, slowly.

"Why...how...why did you let me sleep that long?"

"It seemed as if you needed the rest."

I look at him, "You were here the whole time? Watching me?"

"Reading a book," he corrects me.

Sighing, I nod and start looking around, wondering if I should leave or not.

"I will be gone for the day," he announces.

"Why?"

"There are some - "

"Matters that you need to attend to," I finish for him.

A standard answer.

"Well, I should go - "

"Wait," I call out, "I-I'm bored."

"Read a book."

"That won't help." I roll my eyes, "I...I miss my friends."

He tenses up, "When they are here, you run away from them, you ignore them. And now, when they are gone, you miss them?"

"I know, I'm stupid, but I really do miss them."

He sighs, "Then go visit them."

"I can't."

He seems to be annoyed, "And why is that?"

"I can't go alone."

I wait in silence as realization comes to him.

And then horror appears on his face, "Absolutely not."

"Why not?"

"Because."

I raise my eyebrows, "Well, that is mature."

"I do not like the Weasley family. They do not like me. End of story."

"But they like me. And I like them," I reply, "Besides, it's not that bad. They respect you. You are invited also. Ginny said so."

I can see the pure torture on his face, but I continue.

"Please, Sir. Just for one evening. For a dinner. You won't have to talk to anyone."

He pinches the bridge of his nose, shaking his head, "We will talk when I return."

"Alright."

Still shaking his head, he leaves the room.

And I stay in his bed. He did not demand that I leave.

I really hope he would decide to go for a visit with me. With him beside me Ron will not dare to come near me. And that is what I need. A relaxed evening with Ginny and Harry and the rest of the Weasleys. Without Ron.

**A/N: Sorry. I can't say anything else. I thought I would post this chapter sooner, but I kinda lost motivation. I hope that doesn't happen again. Sorry again.**


End file.
